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23 January 2009 @ 11:51 am
underneath it all... the place for you is getting smaller  
I want to be loved.

Really, fully and completely loved.

And I want to feel it, too.

I am missing out on this... and it's just now starting to hit me. I suddenly feel like I am in the wrong place. This is not where I am supposed to be... I don't think I am going to get to this place in my situation. There's a certain attachment, yes, but it doesn't run too deep, at least not from what I can tell. Originally I think it could have for me, but since then that thought has dwindled. I can't get to the place I want with someone I am afraid to open up to. Why am I afraid to open up, let inner Heather out? I honestly couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because deep down I knew all along that this might never turn into serious... and I don't know that I wanted it to. Perhaps I had some desire for this, but as time passes, the desire fades. It's easy to talk to others and open up my mind to them... just not to him. I think the reason is because he exists on a different plane of understanding, one that does not correlate with my own. I can see this understanding I seek out in the world, just at the edge of my fingertips. It's so close, yet so far away. I am captivated by its possibility! My gut tells me to let go... that my only chance of finding what I truly seek is to find it somewhere else. I desire a deeper connection than he might be able to give me. Unless I am wrong...? There may not be much time for me to be proven wrong. I'm already slipping away down a dark tunnel, but there is a very bright light on the other end. I am not afraid to go down this tunnel at all, I'm just delaying the journey. I am optimistic that once on the other side of this tunnel, something wonderful can blossom. I can already feel it growing... but for now I probably shouldn't feed it. Figure everything else out first, Heather!

But for now... get ready for work!
 
 
I'm feeling...: creativecreative
 
 
 
xbrianmaidenx on January 24th, 2009 02:19 am (UTC)
Hey dude. I have been thinking about calling you to hang out! Wanna do something rad? Like a laser light show?
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on January 24th, 2009 05:35 am (UTC)
I have never actually been to a laser light show... that's sounds awesome!
xbrianmaidenx on January 24th, 2009 12:59 pm (UTC)
Well we are going tonight if you are down, let me know and I will call you!
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on January 25th, 2009 03:58 am (UTC)
Oh man... haha I am going to a rave tonight... that's kind of like a laser light show. :-P
xbrianmaidenx on January 25th, 2009 04:36 am (UTC)
A rave? LAWL. Cool man. We should do something some other time!
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on January 25th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)
Agreed! Call me anytime, or text me cause it's easier to get hold of me that way. I go to karaoke a lot... care to join sometime?
xbrianmaidenx on January 25th, 2009 01:01 pm (UTC)
I will pwn you at karaoke!
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on January 26th, 2009 12:28 am (UTC)
Oh yeah? Are you sure? You haven't seen me at karaoke... I rock it like no other.