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22 February 2010 @ 04:40 am
Oh I love it when Full House is dirrty...  
Sometimes late at night, I think it would be divine to just disappear for a while. I'm not stressed out and certainly not trying to hide for any reason... but retreating somewhere sounds great. If I could retreat from my own mind that would be even better. I would suffer from far less confusion! Most of said confusion comes from boys... Not that I'm confused from their side, just from my own. I live in a world where I know what I want, but I still don't know what I want. What I mean to say is that I know what sort of person I want, and the qualities I am looking for, but I don't really know if I want any of that right now. Maybe all I really need is to just shag a bunch of people. So far I seem to be doing a pretty good job! heh.

I could see reasons to date all three of my recent adventures, but there's still something holding me back. Maybe the problem is that I am missing the extra spark that attaches me to a person because I've known them all for so long. Meeting and connecting with someone new is one of the things that helps draw me in to the dating life. I can make out with or sleep with friends and have it not be weird (on my side of things anyway), but I can't just start a relationship with anybody. Maybe I used to be able to, but not anymore. At this point in my life I have had my share of nasty break-ups and terrible heartache and I'm done with that. I never want to feel as horrible as I felt with Nathan ever again. I experienced some of the worst days of my life because of him. Maybe that's the real reason why I'm so disconnected with wanting to be in a relationship. They can't hurt you if you aren't with them! No, that's not fully true... there was a small degree of hurt with the whole Chase thing... but I think that was more the feeling of rejection, or the feeling of losing something that could have had potential. I'm over that... very much so. I'd still bang him, though... if he wanted. :-P Nothing else. I have better prospects lurking about... like Matt, for instance. We started talking and getting to know each other recently. I like talking to him, I liked hanging out with him, I liked the feeling of getting closer to him... I like him. Not sure what to do or where to go beyond that... I want to continue getting to know him and try to hang out with him more. The hard part about that is the fact that he lives kinda far away. Who knows... only time will tell. What I do know is that I have taken on the characteristics of a girl with a crush and I smile when I get a text from him. Hmmm...

Conclusion: What I want... I want to toss out the perspective of a reacher and a settler. I think you can both be reachers. I want to be with someone that I can look at and think, "I win." And I want them to look at me and think the same thing. I want to think he is amazing and know that he thinks I am amazing. It'll happen... when I least expect it, I'm sure! But now it's time for bed.
 
 
 
anaverinanaverin on February 24th, 2010 05:15 pm (UTC)
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that is very insiteful heather. Maybe you both can be reachers, but i bet that elusive.