Dr Who-Madness

And suddenly, a wild journal entry appears!

I will probably always come crawling back to LiveJournal at some point or another. Where else can I truly unload the immense number of weird, and probably fucked up things I think too much about? So… I guess it’s update time.

Life is really… blah. Remember when everyone thought 2016 was bad? Ha! Life in 2017 was definitely no better. Don’t get me wrong, the year had some good memories, some great ones even, but it left me with a lingering bad taste.

The good memories are the ones spent with close friends, creating better bonds with some other friends, making really good new friends… Drinking. Yeah I drink frequently, so what? I have fun with friends and often times there is alcohol. Do I need alcohol to have fun? No, but I like it, so deal with it. (I realize I’m really just talking to myself here so that tangent is probably moot.)

The bad memories? Ok, so there aren’t that many actual bad memories. It’s not so much that bad things happened this year, but more so that it gets increasingly difficult to not let the existential dread sink in. Oh how morose of me, right? I can’t help it though. The sum of the last two years keeps me feeling increasingly numb to everything. Deep inside I have a heart of ice that might never thaw. I’ve had the worst luck trying to date. Dating in your thirties is absolutely and completely awful! To put it simply, people suck. Men suck. Dating sucks. Of course it doesn’t help that every time I start to think maybe I am actually interested in a person, it takes a turn for the worse and then it’s all done and I’m on to the next one. They disappear. I disappear. One way or the other, take your pick! I have so many walls and barriers in place, no one stands a chance. I’m legitimately starting to fear that I may never feel anything again…

Enter Boy. (Screw names! What if they read this? They don’t need to know who they are.) He turned everything upside down for me and gave me the idea in my head that I wasn’t completely hopeless. But then there was me. I don’t know what to do or how to be when I like someone. I don’t make moves, I do nothing, I say nothing. I just want to spend time with them, be around them, and get to know them. If it’s right, it will all fall into place, yes? No, probably not. (What is wrong with me???) I mean, fuck… I have confidence for days and know full well that I am awesome, but… I also think I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’m too weird. I’m too quirky. I couldn’t possibly be their type. I’m too curvy and flawed. You name it, I think it. I’m rarely the target of anyone’s desires or affections. Sometimes people tell me I’m cute, or hot or what-have-you, and that’s nice. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything. I know I’m not. But there are far better choices than little ol’ me. I know I’m selling myself short, though. I know I’m better than that. I know I’m a catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me. I just don’t always believe it.

But I digress… So then there was Boy. I suddenly liked someone more than I had liked anyone in nearly a year and a half. I liked them as a friend, and I liked them as more than that. I knew quickly that I was fucked. In a way, I was dormant, like my clock needed winding, and suddenly someone turned the key and the second-hand started moving for the first time in what seemed like forever. I don’t want to mess this up. I want to be their friend just as much as I might want anything else. This was a new friendship that I realized was going to be very important to me. I will not fuck that up. Whatever my feelings turn into, I at no point want to jeopardize this friendship. There are certain people you meet in life that just sort of help complete your life puzzle, and this was one of those people. A kindred spirit, as it were. So my move is to not make a move.

Fast forward a little here, and we’ve gone on some random adventures and had a lot of fun along the way and I would never change that. Nothing has happened. I’m not pushing for anything to happen. I don’t want to cross that line because that could mess up a friendship that I value. After much deliberation with myself and Megan (who is always there to listen to me wine) I decide I just need to move past it. I can’t keep liking him so much and it’s time to move on. Friendship in tact. For a quick minute there I believed that I could accomplish this. But then he throws out some bait and reels me right back in. He gives me just a little bit more than he did before and I’m sunk. Fast forward again, I make the same decision. It’s time to stop. It’s time to move on. Oh, what’s that? Bait - hook - caught again! With just a little more than the last time, just enough to make me want it all again. It’s all becoming a vicious circle, really.

So clearly, I’m dealing with some things. Plus, I’ve been single for two years and have met an endless string of duds and assholes. It makes me feel rather defeated, to be honest. In any case, even if/when I meet someone worth my time, I’m going to fuck it up. I’ll get a little too neurotic, or I won’t put in enough effort, or maybe I won’t even realize that they are worthwhile or…. Well, you get the point. My walls are so firmly in place from all the pains of my past that it’s going to take a lot of effort for anyone to break those down. Maybe I’ll never love again, maybe I will. I want to be hopeful, but I’m just not. Hope was tossed out the window ages ago. Don’t worry though, I keep it tied to a string so I can pull it back in when I need it.

Long story short? I’m still very broken. Haven’t quite been able to put all of my pieces back together yet… but at least I have had some fun and made some good memories? Yeah, you know, when I am actually successful at keeping the aforementioned existential dread at bay. But it gets better, right? I mean, that’s what they say soooooo….. Yep. Believe it or not, this is just one aspect of how things suck right now.

Anyway, happy 2018. Please be better?
dr horrible - fingers crossed

My oh my

Wow life is getting crazy! We got the duplex and are slowly moving our stuff in now. I'm hoping to have beds and whatnot moved next Friday. :-)

Let's see... what else is new? Well, I'm sort of juggling three guys right now. Err, talking to three guys. Tinder has proven quite effective! The first was in Amsterdam, but continued to message me while he was there. He must think I'm pretty cool to do that while on vacation. /grin. Things have moved quickly with the second guy. He's very cool and I like him and all, but there are a couple things about him that are deal breakers for me. I feel as though he is going to end up hating me when all is said and done... or at least just be really sad. I know he has stronger feelings for me than I have for him, and I won't do more than just casually date him. We did hook up a couple times though. Can't put my libido on hold forever! Ha. Seriously though, I feel terrible for how this will inevitably turn out. :-(

The third guy... I am meeting him tomorrow! I'm not sure if it's a legit date, but I'm calling it a date anyway. We're bowling and getting drinks. Here's to hoping I make a good impression! Just have to figure out how to cover up the worst zit mark I have ever had... ugh! I'm looking forward to it regardless. We've had some good conversation on Tinder and texting and seem to have a lot in common. And perhaps now we will hit it off in person too. ;-)

What else... oh a couple manager positions have been posted at work! I'm really comfortable where I am right now at work, but I don't know when I will get this opportunity again. Our regional actually called me at the store today asking where my application was and let me know that the posting closes tomorrow. I'd say that is a good sign! I must have made a pretty great impression on him during that huge walk thru we had when Dayz was on vacation. So let's hope that me botching my application doesn't make me look bad. :-/ I clicked next on the page thinking that there was more to fill out and I could go back and improve on my other answers later and it submitted it. Hmmmmmm. Oh well I guess. I'll probably still get to interview for it, so that can be where I show my strengths. If nothing else, I stay where I am and wait for the next chance.

Kk, now can we fast forward to when we are all done moving please? I'm ready for that to be over. :-P
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Shit. Fuck!

I just talked to the realty company for the duplex we want. We will have to pay for all of March there. Regardless of when we actually move our stuff. That's double rent if we do that! So for me alone, my portion of the security deposit is $650. My portion of rent at our current place is $312. My portion of rent at the new place will be $450. This isn't even taking utilities into account. So by March, I'm dropping $1412. That's more than my tax return. That's decimating my savings... Good god. And I don't think Max or Derick can do that either. I'm freaking out! And comic con is this weekend! Fuck!

Ok, calm down Heather. Just calm the fuck down. Talk to Max and Derick. Talk to your mom, who will totally loan you the money from your account. Then I will only need to worry about the double rent, which is much more doable.

Calm down.

I don't want to lose this duplex... the kitchen is so nice! But... it's seem so hard to accomplish now.
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Great things on the horizon

I feel so damned positive all the time! It's pretty great. :-D

Nothing is really new, but I just feel like gushing a little. I met dude #1 last night and it went great. The conversation was good the whole night and he's pretty cool. I'm not sure what will happen, but I know that being friends with him will be pretty great. I'm obviously not looking to jump into a relationship with anyone, so I'm not expecting that at all. But hey, he's cool, and if we happen to get closer or things happen, I'm totally cool with that. ;-)

So, dude #2! Been very chatty with him as well! And he's super nerdy, which is awesome! We both happen to be going to comic con this coming weekend, actually. We totally nerded out over Disney movies before I went to work, then exchanged numbers and texted all day. This is very exciting! Like more exciting than the prospect of meeting dude #1. Being able to fully nerd out with a person is a very good thing for me because that is when I am truly in my element. If I don't end up meeting him before the con, that is when it will happen. But in talking today, I just really wanted him to randomly invite me out somewhere. But meeting someone for the first time on Valentine's Day would be odd. Like... a lot of pressure and whatnot. I feel like life has been throwing me a lot of squee-worthy things lately. Life is good.

Now if my tax return would hurry up and get here, I'd be even happier. We have a massive security deposit to pay to secure the duplex we want. :-D
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HIMYM - highest of fives

An interesting development!

Cody came by to help Max, Derick, and myself clean and sort through the garage. He had a stick up his butt instantly, and it was very obvious. After everything was done, and the rest of his stuff was loaded into my car I took him home. Then I found out what was eating at him! And guess what! He finally realized what a huge mistake he made. Too bad it happened much too late. I've already dealt with the heartbreak and moved past it. I'm happy now. I'm more me than I have been in a long time and I'm really enjoying it. I did love him dearly once, but I just couldn't now. It's a bit sad, though... I would have spent my life with him, but he never really seemed to want that. Maybe he did? He was always just so damn emotionally blocked, so who could have known? I don't need that. So I had my heartbreak and got over it. He had his lack of emotion and was so sure it was all done... but then it must have all sunk in and now he's wrecked and dealing with the heartbreak. He made his bed and now he has to sleep in it. I feel bad and I don't want him to be hurting, but what can I do? *shrug*

Soooo... in other news, I am meeting Tinder guy tomorrow! I'm so excited and soooo nervous! I have no clue what page he is on... Is he interested in me that way or is he just making a new friend? I get one first impression and I am going to hope I make a good one. He's so new to the area that I have this overwhelming desire to take him everywhere and show him all sorts of things. Also, I just want to watch movies with him. I'm very excited for whatever happens. :-)

What else? Ummm I'm talking to another person on Tinder and that conversation is going really well. He is also going to comic con next weekend, so I think we're meeting up there. He's a pretty nerdy guy, which is a plus. Does karaoke, also a plus. Things are really looking up for me in the guy department. Also in the rental search! We heard today that we were approved for the duplex we applied for. Now to start packing all our shit! Sooooo much to pack... not looking forward to that. Maybe I will have a packing, pizza, and beer party or two. :-P

Life is looking good! Now to find that soulmate person or whatever, right? Maybe one of these two dudes will be my match? We shall seeeeeeee!
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potts - wheee!

Smitten. Kittens. Mittens? Kitten mittens, you'll be smitten!

What is this? I'm posting -again-? Crazy!

I'm having a big squee moment right now, and need to remain calm on Facebook because the reason I'm squeeing is on my friends list and I don't want him to see it. This is me playing it cool, because in real life I'm a total spazz. We've made plans to meet up on Friday. So now I'm both excited and scared. I shouldn't be scared! I know I'm awesome. Meeting new people in general kinda freaks me out already, so meeting a new person that I have greatly enjoying talking to recently is even freakier. What if we end up not having anything to talk about? I'm already over thinking this whole thing and I know it. STAHP.

I'm going to watch Willow and get out of my head. Need to just chill out and let whatever happens happen. But still, squeeeee! haha :-)
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dr horrible - fingers crossed

Life updates I guess!

Welcome back to LiveJournal, Heather! Haha.

I haven't posted since a long ago turmoil with Cody before he ever told me he loved me (he did not long after that post BTW)... Well, flash forward to now and we have been broken up since Christmas. Yep. That was my Christmas present. Whatever. I guess I'm still annoyed by his poor timing, but I'm not sad. Not anymore at least. In typical Heather fashion, I got over that shit quickly. In any case, he moved out of the apartment back to his mom's where I'm sure he will stay forever most likely, because why would he want to move out of a place where his mommy does everything for him? I mean, she pays his bills for him and lets him do whatever he wants and just continuously enables him to never completely grow up. Boooo! Let's talk about something else...

Me. Where am I at? I'm happy, basically. Not sad, as I previously mentioned. Well, sad that my cat seems to hate my bedroom and cries if I bring her in here... But I'm good! I downloaded Tinder out of boredom, which only kinda freaks me out. Every time there is a match I tense up like, oh god do I have to talk to this person now? Needless to say, I'm not going out of my way to message these guys. I talked to a few, one made me blush with a compliment by saying I seemed to fit his style. Why did I let that convo fizzle out? He had cool hair and played bass and loved horror movies! Oh well. Other convos fizzled out too. But! One did not! I've been talking to him for 3 days now, and we have moved the talking over to facebook where it's easier (and more personal if you ask me). I really enjoy talking to him! Like... really, really enjoy it. I'm giddy with anticipation, quite frankly. I want to meet him... but that sorta scares me. The self-conscious side of me is afraid I'm not his type body-wise and whatnot. I mean... I guess to say it one way, I'm not body confident right now. I have a hard time looking at myself and feeling sexy lately. Merp. That shouldn't matter. But it worries me nonetheless. Now back to this guy!

Names are not important right now, for whoever is reading. He's cute in his pics... alternative kinda guy into synth and gothy things. Brand spanking new to Portland, which means anywhere I take him will be new and exciting, yes? hehe. Has a place, works a job blah blah blah who cares. He loves horror movies. I don't he would find it weird to take a late night walk in a cemetery. /swoon! We've even exchanged puns! This is something that doesn't excite many people, but it works on me! He spells all of his messages correctly and uses punctuation... Why is this important? It just is. I haven't been excited like this in so long! Maybe nothing happens, maybe it does... maybe we hook up a few times... I don't know. For all I know we will meet and fall in love etc. etc. etc. Do I want that?

What do I want? I don't know! An adult, definitely. Someone with a car so I don't always have to drive. Someone to cuddle with, watch Netflix, go to concerts with! Go to interesting clubs, go on adventures with... Explore food and brew and everything wonderful. Someone I can make plans with. I don't know if I'm fully ready to start something new, since it's barely been over a month, but I'm not getting any younger. I'm sick of wasting my time on people that don't want the same things as me! I want someone to build a life with. I want a partner, in every sense of the word. No mental problems or inability to pay attention. Someone who can treat me well, offer up some consistent romance. And in turn, I will do the same for them.

What if this guy I am talking to ends up being the one? I won't ever know if I don't get out here and meet him. And so what if he isn't either. But... I don't think I should jump into a relationship with anyone that isn't going to want any of the same things I do. I don't want to end up a year or two or three down the road with another failed attempt. I'm turning 32 this year, so the universe can stop wasting my time already! The sooner you meet your life partner, the more time you get to spend with them. I'm such a Ted sometimes. But I'm in search of my own Marshal & Lily kind of love. :-)

Thanks for reading! Maybe I'll post again soon and start this LJ back up.
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primeval - gasp

What a crazy, random happenstance!

I just had a 4-day weekend... in which I spent every day/night with Cody. It started with Thursday night at Shadowplay, then we went back to his house to watch netflix, fell asleep cuddling on the couch in the wee hours of the morning... He is quite good at cuddling, I must say! We spent all of Friday doing that until we were hungry and had to go out for food. We resumed couch activity again until we started falling asleep. Early in the morning I dropped him off at work and went home. This is kind of how the rest of the weekend went, though not all of it was spent on the couch. I took him to Alex's, aka Poverty House, and we discovered that he had been there before. Small fucking world! I'm kind of surprised our lives haven't come together before now. We know a lot of the same people and have random connections. But hey, sometimes things happen at just the right time, right? ;-)

I feel like I want to spend all of my time with him. I like this one a lot. :-D
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Sailor Moon-transform

Since I can't really put this on Facebook...

I have to keep my boy-related stuff only on LJ. Why? Because I'm not going to rub things in Pete's face. I'm too respectful for that... and I don't like hurting people. But apparently last Thursday, I seemed to flirty with Cody in front of him because he left pretty quick. :-/ I was just talking to him. Whatever. I really don't want to make him uncomfortable. :-(

On to more important things!

I am definately done with Wes. As if that wasn't already obvious. I wonder if I'm going to have to have a talk with him about that... hmmm... I'm not a fan of those! For the time being, I've pretty much stopped messaging him, unless he talks to me first. And I probably won't be dropping those, "We should hang out soon," phrases in his direction either. I do want to be friends with him and talk to him still, and hang out, as long as it isn't weird. If he gets sad over this for some reason, it's not my fault. I gave him plenty of time to make a move in whatever direction, and no moves were really made. Last I heard from him, he didn't want to date a coworker. I don't care anymore! I have new boy, better boy! :-) You snooze, you lose, Wes!

Speaking of new... Cody is awesome. I just want to squee and I can't stop smiling. We spent last night watching movies and Doctor Who together, then cuddled and fell asleep. We haven't kissed, but he is dealing with a cold right now. Plus, he is shy (in the most adorable way!). I'm really glad he got the courage to ask me for me number! He told me that he basically had a heart attack when he did. So yeah, him asking me for my number was kind of a big deal! That just makes it feel even better. :-) Oh my goodness, though! I fully love spending time with him and joking around with him. Everything feels like an adventure! Also, he is going dancing with me at Shadowplay this week, and we're dressing up.

Happy happy happy!
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