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Heather Jones
22 January 2018 @ 02:15 am
I will probably always come crawling back to LiveJournal at some point or another. Where else can I truly unload the immense number of weird, and probably fucked up things I think too much about? So… I guess it’s update time.

Life is really… blah. Remember when everyone thought 2016 was bad? Ha! Life in 2017 was definitely no better. Don’t get me wrong, the year had some good memories, some great ones even, but it left me with a lingering bad taste.

The good memories are the ones spent with close friends, creating better bonds with some other friends, making really good new friends… Drinking. Yeah I drink frequently, so what? I have fun with friends and often times there is alcohol. Do I need alcohol to have fun? No, but I like it, so deal with it. (I realize I’m really just talking to myself here so that tangent is probably moot.)

The bad memories? Ok, so there aren’t that many actual bad memories. It’s not so much that bad things happened this year, but more so that it gets increasingly difficult to not let the existential dread sink in. Oh how morose of me, right? I can’t help it though. The sum of the last two years keeps me feeling increasingly numb to everything. Deep inside I have a heart of ice that might never thaw. I’ve had the worst luck trying to date. Dating in your thirties is absolutely and completely awful! To put it simply, people suck. Men suck. Dating sucks. Of course it doesn’t help that every time I start to think maybe I am actually interested in a person, it takes a turn for the worse and then it’s all done and I’m on to the next one. They disappear. I disappear. One way or the other, take your pick! I have so many walls and barriers in place, no one stands a chance. I’m legitimately starting to fear that I may never feel anything again…

Enter Boy. (Screw names! What if they read this? They don’t need to know who they are.) He turned everything upside down for me and gave me the idea in my head that I wasn’t completely hopeless. But then there was me. I don’t know what to do or how to be when I like someone. I don’t make moves, I do nothing, I say nothing. I just want to spend time with them, be around them, and get to know them. If it’s right, it will all fall into place, yes? No, probably not. (What is wrong with me???) I mean, fuck… I have confidence for days and know full well that I am awesome, but… I also think I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’m too weird. I’m too quirky. I couldn’t possibly be their type. I’m too curvy and flawed. You name it, I think it. I’m rarely the target of anyone’s desires or affections. Sometimes people tell me I’m cute, or hot or what-have-you, and that’s nice. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything. I know I’m not. But there are far better choices than little ol’ me. I know I’m selling myself short, though. I know I’m better than that. I know I’m a catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me. I just don’t always believe it.

But I digress… So then there was Boy. I suddenly liked someone more than I had liked anyone in nearly a year and a half. I liked them as a friend, and I liked them as more than that. I knew quickly that I was fucked. In a way, I was dormant, like my clock needed winding, and suddenly someone turned the key and the second-hand started moving for the first time in what seemed like forever. I don’t want to mess this up. I want to be their friend just as much as I might want anything else. This was a new friendship that I realized was going to be very important to me. I will not fuck that up. Whatever my feelings turn into, I at no point want to jeopardize this friendship. There are certain people you meet in life that just sort of help complete your life puzzle, and this was one of those people. A kindred spirit, as it were. So my move is to not make a move.

Fast forward a little here, and we’ve gone on some random adventures and had a lot of fun along the way and I would never change that. Nothing has happened. I’m not pushing for anything to happen. I don’t want to cross that line because that could mess up a friendship that I value. After much deliberation with myself and Megan (who is always there to listen to me wine) I decide I just need to move past it. I can’t keep liking him so much and it’s time to move on. Friendship in tact. For a quick minute there I believed that I could accomplish this. But then he throws out some bait and reels me right back in. He gives me just a little bit more than he did before and I’m sunk. Fast forward again, I make the same decision. It’s time to stop. It’s time to move on. Oh, what’s that? Bait - hook - caught again! With just a little more than the last time, just enough to make me want it all again. It’s all becoming a vicious circle, really.

So clearly, I’m dealing with some things. Plus, I’ve been single for two years and have met an endless string of duds and assholes. It makes me feel rather defeated, to be honest. In any case, even if/when I meet someone worth my time, I’m going to fuck it up. I’ll get a little too neurotic, or I won’t put in enough effort, or maybe I won’t even realize that they are worthwhile or…. Well, you get the point. My walls are so firmly in place from all the pains of my past that it’s going to take a lot of effort for anyone to break those down. Maybe I’ll never love again, maybe I will. I want to be hopeful, but I’m just not. Hope was tossed out the window ages ago. Don’t worry though, I keep it tied to a string so I can pull it back in when I need it.

Long story short? I’m still very broken. Haven’t quite been able to put all of my pieces back together yet… but at least I have had some fun and made some good memories? Yeah, you know, when I am actually successful at keeping the aforementioned existential dread at bay. But it gets better, right? I mean, that’s what they say soooooo….. Yep. Believe it or not, this is just one aspect of how things suck right now.

Anyway, happy 2018. Please be better?
Heather Jones
04 March 2016 @ 12:29 am
Wow life is getting crazy! We got the duplex and are slowly moving our stuff in now. I'm hoping to have beds and whatnot moved next Friday. :-)

Let's see... what else is new? Well, I'm sort of juggling three guys right now. Err, talking to three guys. Tinder has proven quite effective! The first was in Amsterdam, but continued to message me while he was there. He must think I'm pretty cool to do that while on vacation. /grin. Things have moved quickly with the second guy. He's very cool and I like him and all, but there are a couple things about him that are deal breakers for me. I feel as though he is going to end up hating me when all is said and done... or at least just be really sad. I know he has stronger feelings for me than I have for him, and I won't do more than just casually date him. We did hook up a couple times though. Can't put my libido on hold forever! Ha. Seriously though, I feel terrible for how this will inevitably turn out. :-(

The third guy... I am meeting him tomorrow! I'm not sure if it's a legit date, but I'm calling it a date anyway. We're bowling and getting drinks. Here's to hoping I make a good impression! Just have to figure out how to cover up the worst zit mark I have ever had... ugh! I'm looking forward to it regardless. We've had some good conversation on Tinder and texting and seem to have a lot in common. And perhaps now we will hit it off in person too. ;-)

What else... oh a couple manager positions have been posted at work! I'm really comfortable where I am right now at work, but I don't know when I will get this opportunity again. Our regional actually called me at the store today asking where my application was and let me know that the posting closes tomorrow. I'd say that is a good sign! I must have made a pretty great impression on him during that huge walk thru we had when Dayz was on vacation. So let's hope that me botching my application doesn't make me look bad. :-/ I clicked next on the page thinking that there was more to fill out and I could go back and improve on my other answers later and it submitted it. Hmmmmmm. Oh well I guess. I'll probably still get to interview for it, so that can be where I show my strengths. If nothing else, I stay where I am and wait for the next chance.

Kk, now can we fast forward to when we are all done moving please? I'm ready for that to be over. :-P
I'm feeling...: anxiousanxious
Heather Jones
17 February 2016 @ 02:08 pm
I just talked to the realty company for the duplex we want. We will have to pay for all of March there. Regardless of when we actually move our stuff. That's double rent if we do that! So for me alone, my portion of the security deposit is $650. My portion of rent at our current place is $312. My portion of rent at the new place will be $450. This isn't even taking utilities into account. So by March, I'm dropping $1412. That's more than my tax return. That's decimating my savings... Good god. And I don't think Max or Derick can do that either. I'm freaking out! And comic con is this weekend! Fuck!

Ok, calm down Heather. Just calm the fuck down. Talk to Max and Derick. Talk to your mom, who will totally loan you the money from your account. Then I will only need to worry about the double rent, which is much more doable.

Calm down.

I don't want to lose this duplex... the kitchen is so nice! But... it's seem so hard to accomplish now.
I'm feeling...: distresseddistressed
Heather Jones
14 February 2016 @ 11:19 pm
I feel so damned positive all the time! It's pretty great. :-D

Nothing is really new, but I just feel like gushing a little. I met dude #1 last night and it went great. The conversation was good the whole night and he's pretty cool. I'm not sure what will happen, but I know that being friends with him will be pretty great. I'm obviously not looking to jump into a relationship with anyone, so I'm not expecting that at all. But hey, he's cool, and if we happen to get closer or things happen, I'm totally cool with that. ;-)

So, dude #2! Been very chatty with him as well! And he's super nerdy, which is awesome! We both happen to be going to comic con this coming weekend, actually. We totally nerded out over Disney movies before I went to work, then exchanged numbers and texted all day. This is very exciting! Like more exciting than the prospect of meeting dude #1. Being able to fully nerd out with a person is a very good thing for me because that is when I am truly in my element. If I don't end up meeting him before the con, that is when it will happen. But in talking today, I just really wanted him to randomly invite me out somewhere. But meeting someone for the first time on Valentine's Day would be odd. Like... a lot of pressure and whatnot. I feel like life has been throwing me a lot of squee-worthy things lately. Life is good.

Now if my tax return would hurry up and get here, I'd be even happier. We have a massive security deposit to pay to secure the duplex we want. :-D
I'm feeling...: excitedexcited
Heather Jones
13 February 2016 @ 03:04 am
Cody came by to help Max, Derick, and myself clean and sort through the garage. He had a stick up his butt instantly, and it was very obvious. After everything was done, and the rest of his stuff was loaded into my car I took him home. Then I found out what was eating at him! And guess what! He finally realized what a huge mistake he made. Too bad it happened much too late. I've already dealt with the heartbreak and moved past it. I'm happy now. I'm more me than I have been in a long time and I'm really enjoying it. I did love him dearly once, but I just couldn't now. It's a bit sad, though... I would have spent my life with him, but he never really seemed to want that. Maybe he did? He was always just so damn emotionally blocked, so who could have known? I don't need that. So I had my heartbreak and got over it. He had his lack of emotion and was so sure it was all done... but then it must have all sunk in and now he's wrecked and dealing with the heartbreak. He made his bed and now he has to sleep in it. I feel bad and I don't want him to be hurting, but what can I do? *shrug*

Soooo... in other news, I am meeting Tinder guy tomorrow! I'm so excited and soooo nervous! I have no clue what page he is on... Is he interested in me that way or is he just making a new friend? I get one first impression and I am going to hope I make a good one. He's so new to the area that I have this overwhelming desire to take him everywhere and show him all sorts of things. Also, I just want to watch movies with him. I'm very excited for whatever happens. :-)

What else? Ummm I'm talking to another person on Tinder and that conversation is going really well. He is also going to comic con next weekend, so I think we're meeting up there. He's a pretty nerdy guy, which is a plus. Does karaoke, also a plus. Things are really looking up for me in the guy department. Also in the rental search! We heard today that we were approved for the duplex we applied for. Now to start packing all our shit! Sooooo much to pack... not looking forward to that. Maybe I will have a packing, pizza, and beer party or two. :-P

Life is looking good! Now to find that soulmate person or whatever, right? Maybe one of these two dudes will be my match? We shall seeeeeeee!
I'm feeling...: optimisticoptimistic
Heather Jones
What is this? I'm posting -again-? Crazy!

I'm having a big squee moment right now, and need to remain calm on Facebook because the reason I'm squeeing is on my friends list and I don't want him to see it. This is me playing it cool, because in real life I'm a total spazz. We've made plans to meet up on Friday. So now I'm both excited and scared. I shouldn't be scared! I know I'm awesome. Meeting new people in general kinda freaks me out already, so meeting a new person that I have greatly enjoying talking to recently is even freakier. What if we end up not having anything to talk about? I'm already over thinking this whole thing and I know it. STAHP.

I'm going to watch Willow and get out of my head. Need to just chill out and let whatever happens happen. But still, squeeeee! haha :-)
I'm feeling...: excitedexcited
Heather Jones
03 February 2016 @ 02:38 pm
Welcome back to LiveJournal, Heather! Haha.

I haven't posted since a long ago turmoil with Cody before he ever told me he loved me (he did not long after that post BTW)... Well, flash forward to now and we have been broken up since Christmas. Yep. That was my Christmas present. Whatever. I guess I'm still annoyed by his poor timing, but I'm not sad. Not anymore at least. In typical Heather fashion, I got over that shit quickly. In any case, he moved out of the apartment back to his mom's where I'm sure he will stay forever most likely, because why would he want to move out of a place where his mommy does everything for him? I mean, she pays his bills for him and lets him do whatever he wants and just continuously enables him to never completely grow up. Boooo! Let's talk about something else...

Me. Where am I at? I'm happy, basically. Not sad, as I previously mentioned. Well, sad that my cat seems to hate my bedroom and cries if I bring her in here... But I'm good! I downloaded Tinder out of boredom, which only kinda freaks me out. Every time there is a match I tense up like, oh god do I have to talk to this person now? Needless to say, I'm not going out of my way to message these guys. I talked to a few, one made me blush with a compliment by saying I seemed to fit his style. Why did I let that convo fizzle out? He had cool hair and played bass and loved horror movies! Oh well. Other convos fizzled out too. But! One did not! I've been talking to him for 3 days now, and we have moved the talking over to facebook where it's easier (and more personal if you ask me). I really enjoy talking to him! Like... really, really enjoy it. I'm giddy with anticipation, quite frankly. I want to meet him... but that sorta scares me. The self-conscious side of me is afraid I'm not his type body-wise and whatnot. I mean... I guess to say it one way, I'm not body confident right now. I have a hard time looking at myself and feeling sexy lately. Merp. That shouldn't matter. But it worries me nonetheless. Now back to this guy!

Names are not important right now, for whoever is reading. He's cute in his pics... alternative kinda guy into synth and gothy things. Brand spanking new to Portland, which means anywhere I take him will be new and exciting, yes? hehe. Has a place, works a job blah blah blah who cares. He loves horror movies. I don't he would find it weird to take a late night walk in a cemetery. /swoon! We've even exchanged puns! This is something that doesn't excite many people, but it works on me! He spells all of his messages correctly and uses punctuation... Why is this important? It just is. I haven't been excited like this in so long! Maybe nothing happens, maybe it does... maybe we hook up a few times... I don't know. For all I know we will meet and fall in love etc. etc. etc. Do I want that?

What do I want? I don't know! An adult, definitely. Someone with a car so I don't always have to drive. Someone to cuddle with, watch Netflix, go to concerts with! Go to interesting clubs, go on adventures with... Explore food and brew and everything wonderful. Someone I can make plans with. I don't know if I'm fully ready to start something new, since it's barely been over a month, but I'm not getting any younger. I'm sick of wasting my time on people that don't want the same things as me! I want someone to build a life with. I want a partner, in every sense of the word. No mental problems or inability to pay attention. Someone who can treat me well, offer up some consistent romance. And in turn, I will do the same for them.

What if this guy I am talking to ends up being the one? I won't ever know if I don't get out here and meet him. And so what if he isn't either. But... I don't think I should jump into a relationship with anyone that isn't going to want any of the same things I do. I don't want to end up a year or two or three down the road with another failed attempt. I'm turning 32 this year, so the universe can stop wasting my time already! The sooner you meet your life partner, the more time you get to spend with them. I'm such a Ted sometimes. But I'm in search of my own Marshal & Lily kind of love. :-)

Thanks for reading! Maybe I'll post again soon and start this LJ back up.
I'm feeling...: anxiousanxious
Heather Jones
03 February 2016 @ 01:46 pm
Testing. Testing.... Been a long time! Is anyone still out there?
Heather Jones
11 December 2012 @ 11:09 pm
I just had a 4-day weekend... in which I spent every day/night with Cody. It started with Thursday night at Shadowplay, then we went back to his house to watch netflix, fell asleep cuddling on the couch in the wee hours of the morning... He is quite good at cuddling, I must say! We spent all of Friday doing that until we were hungry and had to go out for food. We resumed couch activity again until we started falling asleep. Early in the morning I dropped him off at work and went home. This is kind of how the rest of the weekend went, though not all of it was spent on the couch. I took him to Alex's, aka Poverty House, and we discovered that he had been there before. Small fucking world! I'm kind of surprised our lives haven't come together before now. We know a lot of the same people and have random connections. But hey, sometimes things happen at just the right time, right? ;-)

I feel like I want to spend all of my time with him. I like this one a lot. :-D
I'm feeling...: happyhappy
Heather Jones
04 December 2012 @ 11:34 pm
I have to keep my boy-related stuff only on LJ. Why? Because I'm not going to rub things in Pete's face. I'm too respectful for that... and I don't like hurting people. But apparently last Thursday, I seemed to flirty with Cody in front of him because he left pretty quick. :-/ I was just talking to him. Whatever. I really don't want to make him uncomfortable. :-(

On to more important things!

I am definately done with Wes. As if that wasn't already obvious. I wonder if I'm going to have to have a talk with him about that... hmmm... I'm not a fan of those! For the time being, I've pretty much stopped messaging him, unless he talks to me first. And I probably won't be dropping those, "We should hang out soon," phrases in his direction either. I do want to be friends with him and talk to him still, and hang out, as long as it isn't weird. If he gets sad over this for some reason, it's not my fault. I gave him plenty of time to make a move in whatever direction, and no moves were really made. Last I heard from him, he didn't want to date a coworker. I don't care anymore! I have new boy, better boy! :-) You snooze, you lose, Wes!

Speaking of new... Cody is awesome. I just want to squee and I can't stop smiling. We spent last night watching movies and Doctor Who together, then cuddled and fell asleep. We haven't kissed, but he is dealing with a cold right now. Plus, he is shy (in the most adorable way!). I'm really glad he got the courage to ask me for me number! He told me that he basically had a heart attack when he did. So yeah, him asking me for my number was kind of a big deal! That just makes it feel even better. :-) Oh my goodness, though! I fully love spending time with him and joking around with him. Everything feels like an adventure! Also, he is going dancing with me at Shadowplay this week, and we're dressing up.

Happy happy happy!
I'm feeling...: excitedexcited
Heather Jones
03 December 2012 @ 01:12 am
Yesterday... was quite glorious! I spent most of the day with Cody in Portland, wandering around and getting to know each other better. This guy... well, he's pretty awesome, to say the least. I keep saying that the next person to snatch me up is going to need to charm the hell out of me, and whatever he is doing seems to be working. I'm really starting to forget about Wes even!

When I weigh in on it all, Wes is just way to reserved and introverted for me. I crave excitement and adventure, and someone who will gladly take on the world with me. I also crave someone who can just chill and take it easy with me. I'm a gemini, and I do have at least two sides to me. That being said, you can't just charm half of me and expect to get all of me. I don't think that Wes can take on both sides of me... especially since I don't know if I can fully let loose around him. That's probably a bad sign! I don't want to be afraid that someone I am with is looking at me strangely for the random and sometimes odd things that I do. I sometimes do voices, and sometimes make faces. I could even just skip and do a leap into the air when I'm walking. Maybe I'm jumping from square to square or leaf to leaf on the sidewalk. That's who I am, and I don't need strange looks or possible confusion from who I'm with. I guess I'm too afraid that is all I would get from Wes, or that I would just straight up scare him. I don't need that. He was fun to think about though! Perhaps if he made a more significant move, my feelings would be different now. Perhaps. I think I was already starting to get detached from my previous feelings towards Wes anyway. I do want to be friends with him though! I don't know if that will be weird for him or not... because I have no idea what his feelings towards me are. I never had any inkling of his intentions. Jen said it seemed like we have chemistry... but if we have chemistry, why didn't it progress? I'm ok with taking things slow with a person, but come on... at some point it just gets ridiculous! There should have been sex by now... it's so much easier to get the sex from dudes you don't have any interest in dating.


Let me digress... :-)

I see potential in Cody. He is very charming! And quite adorable, too. He has taken over my thoughts pretty quickly... and I am not complaining! I fully enjoy spending time with him. Seriously, yesterday we spent hours in downtown Portland, going from Voodoo to Ground Kontrol to Powell's... then the Lovecraft bar and some food at My Father's Place. It was one of the best days I have had in forever, and I'm excited to see where this goes! *insert ear to ear grin and swooning* :-P We made plans to hang out again tomorrow night, too. :-)
I'm feeling...: optimisticoptimistic
Heather Jones
Life is good! I've been pretty happy lately, I must say. I'm probably going to stop slutting around, though. :-P Sleeping with a 20-year-old was... interesting. I doubt I will do -that- again. I'm not sure where things with Wes stand... and I may or may not care where they stand. I like him for sure, but do I want to date him? Be in a relationship with him? I don't know! Yes. Also no. Not that I'm old, but I'm getting older, and I think maybe I shouldn't waste my time on various things that may not even work out. I have a great time when I'm with him and we have chemistry... but he's pretty reserved and I'm... not! Lots in common, but still polar opposites. He's amazing for my more reserved half, but the wild half of my Gemini must also be fulfilled. Is there someone out there that can do both? I think that is ultimately what I need. But when I see him, and I spend time with him... I just WANT. le sigh.

In other news... There's another coworker barking up my tree. His name is Cody, and he seems like a pretty rad dude. We engaged in a series of small chit chat at work and then he asked for my number. Well, we hung out last night, and it was pretty great! It was one of those don't-want-to-go-home-and-stop-hanging-out kinda things. This resulted in us being at a park in Portland with beer for a few hours in the cold and rain. Swings, teeter totter, and some strange Stargate-looking merry-go-round contraption? I like this guy. The conversation was good and we went on an adventure. :-)

So... I guess this puts me in a bit of a boy conundrum! I can see this potentially getting really difficult, but right now I don't care. I get the feeling that at some point I will have to choose. But the doors are still open for more contenders... for now. I'm the kind of girl you don't want to wait around to make a move on, because I can get snatched up pretty quick.
I'm feeling...: excitedexcited
Heather Jones
06 November 2012 @ 05:52 pm
Wes left this morning for 2 weeks in Japan. This is a weird feeling. I certainly cannot deny how much I like him... *sigh* It's going to be a very long 2 weeks without his texts. They've been the highlight of my days! I am in no rush to get into a relationship with anyone, but I just like him more and more all the time, and there's no other person that I like the same way... but I won't and I can't push things forward too quickly. Plus, he's still really confusing! I'm not quite sure what he wants... except that he has said he isn't keen on the idea of dating a coworker again. Also, his ex that we both work with seems a bit nuts. She pressured me into being her friend on Facebook, most likely so she could stalk our interactions with each other.

I want this 2 weeks to go by quickly. But even though we won't be able to text, I hope that we catch each other online. He told me that I should reactivate my Facebook Chat, which has been in offline mode for at least 2 years now. Normally I wouldn't, but for him? Say Jump and I will jump.

I'm feeling...: restlessrestless
Heather Jones
04 November 2012 @ 08:35 pm
There's nothing wrong with moving on quickly. It's how I've always been! All of my mutual friends with Pete seem to understand it, too, so that's good. It's just that when I break up with a person, it's usually a build-up... and part of the build-up is me getting over it before it's really even done. I'll admit that life has felt stranger than usual, but I'm happy where I am now.


I really am. I haven't rushed out trying to jump into anything, and I plan on taking my time with various endeavors. Such endeavors may include Wes... *swoon* I can't help it! He does things to me... makes me feel so nervous! It feels like I'm an inexperienced teenager or something. I'd say that I can't remember the last time a guy made me this nervous, but it's not true. The last time was with Chase. There are butterflies, and all butterflies feel amazing, but then there are nervous butterflies. These are the things worth looking for! Chase had an effect like that on me... but with Wes it feels different. I get so nervous to see him, and I don't know what to do or how to be. It kinda knocks me off my feet a little. But at the same time, there's a relaxing feeling about it. I'm so afraid to make the first move because I don't want to be too forward or scare him off. Not to say that a move hasn't been made, because it has... it was by him though. I'm letting him take the reigns on this because I truly don't want to jump right into something new. I'm keeping my options open! But at the same time, I'm not, because he's the only one I really like in that way. Unless I meet someone else who shifts my whole world, I'm just going to keep riding this train.

He makes me smile like a giddy schoolgirl. :-)

Do I feel guilty for whatever this may or may not be? Not really. I feel kinda bad knowing that this is easier for me than it is for Pete, but I don't think I can change that. I'm not flirting with guys in front of him or trying to tell him about my endeavors... and I'm not posting things on Facebook about guys or flirting where he could see and feel hurt. I want to have a friendship with him when he's ready. Maybe we could even be friends the way Jordan and I are now? Maybe that will only happen after Pete has found someone else... Lots of maybes. Only time will tell!

But for now, I'm going to live my life for me and keep on enjoying it!
I'm feeling...: cheerfulcheerful
Heather Jones
Ok Megan.


You DO NOT threaten Pete with his potential job. You let your dog Eli loose (what a silly little child to follow you so blindly into the dark) and I let that slide, because I didn't give a fuck what he wanted to say about me. BUT YOU DO NOT MESS WITH PEOPLE IN THE WAY THAT YOU THREATENED TO DO. You have crossed so far over the line. I honestly can't believe you would ever sink so low as to blackmail somebody. What the fuck is wrong you, you dumb bitch?!?! Can I even call it blackmail? Threatening to sway everyone you work with into thinking he won't be the right fit for the workplace? And why? What for? To get back at me somehow?! For what?!?! I make a joke over a picture and while drinking tell Ike he should post it for you because it would be hilarious. OMFG I MUST BE THE WORST PERSON ALIVE. Ike remembers this, and posts it. Then you tell some asshat to get online and insult me? I'm sorry... what exactly did I do wrong here? Laugh about how funny it would be if something was posted? WHAT A CRIME. My boyfriend, despite me telling him it is not necessary, comes to my defense. Really, he didn't have to because I was not offended... When this guy got out of control, Pete nicely asked you for peace so the guy would just go away. This was also after I told him he should just drop it and forget all about it. But no... ever the victim, you lost it. You threatened him, and I will -not- stand for it.

I don't know how these new "friends" of yours don't see right through all of your bullshit! I lost count of how many times you hurt me or tossed me out, and now it seems you're running around telling people that -I- am a horrible person and that -I- did terrible things to you? Whatever. I don't give a rat's ass. I don't know these people, so why would I care? If I ever do know them, they will realize that I'm not a bad person and never was. Someday *gasp* they may even realize what kind of person you are! I know what kind of person I am, and I know that I have an awesome group of friends. What do you have? (Besides a 5 o'clock shadow) The next replaceable "friend," one after the other. Oh, you also have boyfriends who are getting dangerously close to being the same age as your son. Why don't you give that a rest and date people closer to your own age? Oh, none of those men want anything to do with you? I can't imagine why! You know, it won't be long before the young ones feel the same way. Perhaps you should consider working on your massive character flaws. The biggest one being the fact that you are BATSHIT MOTHER FUCKING CRAZY. You must be crazy if you think I'm going to let you get away with all of this! I hope it was worth it, Megan dearest, because I will not let this go. You had best be prepared for the shitstorm that cometh your way. Remember that little outburst of mine at the movie theater? Trust me, that was nothing. You don't know fear until you have seen me lose control.

So, in conclusion, you can (1) eat a dick, and (2) die in a fire. I will -not- be accepting apologies and will not be happy until your life is in ruins. Thank you very much and have a lovely night!

PS- If you just wanted to be left alone, you would have been smart enough to not try and pull shit like this. Aww, but maybe someday you will learn.
Heather Jones
So I was a zombie at work due to lack of sleep the last few nights (despite going to bed way early!) and I got talked to about how I looked like I didn't want to be there... WTF. Hey guess what, I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED because you have me working early in the morning all weekend long and I'm not used to it! A major flip-flop in the schedule is hard to adjust to, assholes. And they just would not accept the fact that I am tired beyond belief. I'm trying my hardest to keep moving, but there's only so much caffeine I can consume safely! I'm being responsible and not going out, I'm getting myself into bed early and trying to take sleep aids... but there's only so much I can do! If you want me to be my usual chipper, energetic self you need to stop scheduling me at 6 am. Each consecutive day I have to do this gets harder and harder to do. I'm primarily a night shift, so it shouldn't be such a fucking surprise that I'M TIRED AS FUCK. How about this... the next time someone takes a damned vacation, you find someone else to come in at 6 am 5 days in a row. Problem solved! Didn't take a fucking genius to solve that one! Until then, why don't you quit you're fucking bitchin' and accept that I'm exhausted because of your fucked up scheduling. I'm so tired at work that I'm constantly dizzy and my vision occasionally goes blurry. How I am driving myself home, I will never know.You'd think I'd be able to take a nap after work with how tired I am, but that doesn't happen. I tried... but failed horribly.

They even suggested I go see a doctor... seriously! My problem is not medical! My problem is you. So if I go to a doctor and tell him what happened... do you think he'll write me a note that says, "Do not schedule more than 2 early morning shifts in a row, otherwise you put the employees health at risk?" Mother fuckers. I wouldn't be able to take sleeping pills anyway because I can't swallow pills, and I'm already prone to walking/talking in my sleep, so I'd hate to think what would happen if I had a prescription sleep aid with sleep walking as a side affect...Anyway, I'm off to bed at 9 pm... the earliest I have EVER gone to bed in my entire life. See, I really am trying! Heres to hoping I am better rested for tomorrow and the next day. Stupid fucking daylight savings can suck a fat one, BTW.
I'm feeling...: exhaustedexhausted
Heather Jones
26 February 2011 @ 11:12 pm
Work stress and frustration just keeps piling up... so tonight, I had myself a little emotional breakdown at work. Being sick certainly doesn't help. Or have I gotten sick because I'm so worn down from work? There's always too much stuff to do, and not enough time to do it. Days like today make it so hard to not just walk out and never come back! But I wouldn't do that. Things do need to start getting better though, or I might have to take some serious time off just to restore my sanity. I hate breaking down like that at work (or anywhere else for that matter)... but I hate people seeing me breakdown worse. Things were getting so much better with our last manager! I wasn't stressed by work so much anymore and I had a better attitude. But those days are gone, and so is my sanity. I just hope we get a new manager soon so we can all get things cleaned up and back on track. Happy employees make for happy customers.

In any case, this should be some damn good motivation to get my application in to Beau Monde so I can start school and get one step closer to being done with Fred Meyer... I never thought I'd be working there this long, but life has had it's hiccups and I've had to stick with it. It's time I got myself a career and start a postive life and future. But for tonight, I will lament and hope that I don't get a bruise from banging my head on the desk at work. :-(
I'm feeling...: distresseddistressed
Heather Jones
07 December 2010 @ 05:15 am
The decision has been made. After several days of total silence and my anger growing inside of me, I really can't be Megan's friend. The silent treatment should have stayed in your childhood, my dear. You think I have stabbed you in the back... ok... I'm sorry, that is not an excuse. And now for some clarification, because I'm angry and I just really feel like saying the harder stuff.

1. What happened with Tim WAS A BIG FUCKING MESS and you know it. I had to deal with BOTH of you, so I know. I had to calm you down, and help explain to him why you were so upset. In that scenario, I think you overreacted because of a miscommunication/misunderstanding. Once you were calmed down, it was easier for you to make a rational decision concerning him. In the end, you told all of us that the reason why it wouldn't ever work out was because he is not a PDA person. If that wasn't the truth, then... well, I guess that is not my fucking problem, is it? I didn't realize it was such a sore subject for you, because I thought that it had all been resolved and you had realized that what happened was a misunderstanding. If you told Jared some other story that painted Tim up to be some terrible guy, that is not my fault. You think I should stick up for you? Sure. But shouldn't I also stick up for my other friends (and future family)?

2. Jared is my friend. I should be allowed to give him a proverbial pat on the back and say, "Hey man, sorry about what happened, don't beat yourself up over it." I firmly believe that I did not stab you in the back with what I wrote. I'm sorry that you think that. Ok, my brief mentioning of Tim hit you harder than I could have known it would (as stated above, because you have not made it known to me that it was such a sore subject)... and that comment about him would have ended with me saying it was a mess, but Jared said that your version of that story made Tim into a messed up person. I didn't hand out details, but I did feel the need to mention that it probably happened differently than how you told Jared it did. The only reason it got mentioned was because it was the first example I had to say to Jared that it was not your first time overreacting. And OMFG I'm so horrible for telling the truth.

3. The internet is serious business. Obviously, you should take what you read on the internet and blow it way out of proportion. Or maybe, I dont know... maybe you could ASK me if I'm saying what you think I am saying. Because if you took the time to tell me you're upset over something I said, none of this would have happened. I could have had some chance to say, "No, that's not what that means," or "I think you have misunderstood me."

I'm tired of this. I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, but I can't apologize for the reason, because I don't agree with your reason. You overreacted and treated me poorly because of it. If this friendship ever gets repaired, it certainly won't be the same. But right now, I'm tossing you out the window the same way you did to me. Have a nice life.
Heather Jones
02 December 2010 @ 02:14 am
Or maybe I'm just overreacting and it's all just a big misunderstanding... except that it does not appear that she had to re-add anyone to her friends list, since everyone else is still there! No, she had to have specifically meant to remove me. I need to give this time... can't stop thinking that I should send her a message or a text or something... If she wants to have some space from me because I'm friends with Jared, then that's fine. I would like to get a heads up though. Maybe a, "Hey Heather, I'm a bit upset right now, gonna take a time out and remove you for a minute then add you back..." Hahaha! Yeah, that sounds funny now that I think about it. I just keep anticipating something from her... a comment, a text... anything. I need to wait it out. At least until sometime tomorrow. I'm upset with her behavior towards me, but not in a way that I will approach it with anger. I don't know if it will ever quite sink in to her head how much she hurts people when she casts them off like this.

Also, now that I have written 2 entires in less than 24 hours... I really miss this. I really need to just write more. It makes me feel temporary sanity when things are bothering me. I guess part of the reason I don't post much is because things are pretty good. I don't want to bore you all with "I love Pete" all the time. Oh LiveJournal... perhaps I miss you more after James Urbaniak (voice of Dr. Venture) mentioned you in the interview during Donkey Kong Marathon. That was awesome!
Heather Jones
01 December 2010 @ 10:18 pm
Is the story beginning again? Megan dated, broke up, deleted her facebook, undeleted it... but removed me from her friends and left Pete on there. WTF? The only thing that makes sense is that she saw the comments I left on Jared's page, which aren't even bad! I told him that she has a history of overreacting, and I've seen her go through stuff like this before (ie: pete's brother). I wrote that to him as a way to say, "Hey, don't beat yourself up over this!" As any story goes, there are usually 2 different versions because each individual will tell it how they saw it. If you were an outsider watching, you're story would be different from both of theirs. I always keep this in mind when I'm hearing my friends tell me their problems. But unfortunately, I am one of the few. That was a tangent... the point here is that I don't understand any of this. Whatever is going on, it's kinda hurtful. I want to message her or try to ask her what's up, but I just don't want to deal with some rant about me being a terrible friend. Fuck that. I am a great friend to her. I listen to her, I take her home when we've been out so she doesn't have to take transit, I do favors for her... I've attempted setting her up with someone at a time when she was complaining about being single... I have stood up for her in various online battles/arguments... I could go on. So every time she pulls shit like this, it hurts. Why is she so quick to throw me off the bus? Do I mean so little to her? Grrr. And she can't even say anything to me, or tell me if she is upset about something. I have to just randomly notice that I am not her friend anymore. And the fact that she still has Pete as a friend makes this a lower blow. I'm sorry, but Pete and I come as a pair. You can't have one without the other. Oh you say you've done some Christmas shopping and got something for Pete? He doesn't want it. He won't want anything from you, friendship included, if this is how it it's going to be.


It always blows over. But how many times will the people she does this to be ready to pick things back up?

I'm upset over this. These opinions will change... ?
Heather Jones
October is a good month. Good enough to actually construct a journal entry! I've been hard at work putting together my costume (Tank Girl) and I've spent way too much money on it. I think it'll be worth it, though. Just have to finish the belt buckle, mod some pants, and make the t-shirt for the most part. And get my hair bleached.

I swear I barely just got over being sick a week ago and now I'm sick again. I think I can honestly say that it is because I haven't been drinking my Viso lately! I've been abstaining from the cans completely and just haven't gone to buy a supply of the bottles in a while. I wish Fred Meyer would go to bottles already so I can get my vitamins on a regular basis! What I need to do is get a case from the warehouse seeing as they are much cheaper that way. I've barely been sick this past year due to my Viso addiction... This just means I can never stop. :-P

Federal aid has finally come through for Aveda, so now I just need to get a FAFSA filled out and to put in the beauty school application. If I don't waste too much time, I could start in January. I'm so excited and scared to finally get started. I can expect to have almost no life outside of work and school, but hopefully the time will fly by and then I'll be out looking for a job in a salon. I want to get into a career so I can start really planning my future. I'd like to be married before I'm 30, maybe even talking about kids. Pete already has baby fever... which means I should go get some birth control! Lolz. But really, no babies until I'm good and ready!

But for now, I just need to focus on Halloween! Gotta design my sweet Pac-man pumpkin(s) and finish my costume!
Heather Jones
12 October 2010 @ 12:24 am
Heather Jones
28 July 2010 @ 01:04 am
I never have anything good to write about... How many times can I reiterate that life is good and I'm really happy right now?

Let's get random!

-Tollhouse cookie dough is not all it's cracked up to be.

-I have become semi-addicted to the cookie dough at Papa Murphy's.

-Brewfest was fun, even though a lot of the beers were already tapped out. Must remember to go on a Friday or Saturday next year!

-I do not want to miss next year's Spring Beer & Wine Fest!

-I need to renew the registration on my car... I think Thursday before work would be a good idea, since I'm going in early already tomorrow.

-I want to get craftier and make cool stuff, but I never seem to have the time.

-Pete and I should really have another haiku day!

-Stacy's wedding is going to be awesome. Seeing Keith will also be awesome! Am I gonna need to make a speech? I should... and I have no idea what to say.
I'm feeling...: boredbored
Heather Jones
21 June 2010 @ 02:47 am
June is almost over! No updates for June yet! I am getting so bad at writing in my journal these days... I know I need to change that, because someday I am gonna wish I had better documentation of my life.

So what's new? I love Pete (but that's not new)... my job is really sucking balls right now and I hope it starts getting more tolerable so I can be less miserable. It's temporary, I know, but that doesn't change how stressed out I am over work! I actually got so upset today when the new schedule came out (and I saw that I was fucked all over again) that I ended up crying in the bathroom on my break. Lame, I know, but this is what stress does to me.

What else? Well, I guess those are the big ones... I am increasingly more and more excited for Scott Pilgrim. Just reread the first 5 and book 6 is out soon. I've been on top of all my bills lately, and I think I will start to see some of them melt away before too long. I also need to start putting aside money for PAX... and buy PAX tickets... and find a cheaper hotel option! I have a lot on my plate right now. Stacy's Bridal Shower is this Saturday... need to start thinking about what I want to do with the decorations!

Anyway, time for bed... don't wanna sleep in too late though, cause tomorrow I have to try and go to bed pretty much as soon as I get home from work so I can wake up early and go right back in to work. Maybe they should just have little sleeping rooms in the store, with a cot and a TV and some internet. That would make it a lot easier... blah.
Heather Jones
25 May 2010 @ 04:02 am
My birthday has come to a close... It was very enjoyable! Pete came in to Vancouver Thursday night and stayed until Sunday. :-) Over the course of the weekend we watched all of Firefly, which I am shamed to say I had never done before despite my owning the dvds. The birthday was spent shopping with Stacy and then going to Saint Cupcake, the Rogue house and Todai with Pete. We finished off the night with the finales of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang theory, then watched Serenity to complete our Firefly binge. I'm excited to see I Fight Dragons tomorrow night! And to get tea with Megan!

Anyways, now I'm 26... the years go by so fast now it seems... I really should jump on getting everything on track for my life soon! But for now I will just go to sleep.
Heather Jones
My birthday is right around the corner, and I haven't figured out what I'm doing yet. Must go to Rogue house for my free beer and t-shirt though. Maybe Stacy and I will go get our make-up done at the MAC counter or something. Four more days of work and my 6-day birthday weekend can begin! Friday night will be Geeky Karaoke, Saturday there is a party at the geek house... Sunday there is no plan! Well, I'm keeping Sunday evening open since it's Stacy's birthday and we may or may not do something that night... Monday, my birthday, no definite plans! How is this possible?! I have made some really stellar birthday plans these last few years, and it would be a shame to waste it. I don't have much extra money to throw around, though. :-( Especially with the I Fight Dragons show on Tuesday night, which I know I will want to buy a shirt at.

Blah, this is about all I can get my brain to muster up right now... too tired from work today, and lack of sleep last night. I think it might be time to turn the lights out and crawl into bed...
Heather Jones
You can always tell when I am really busy or really happy because there are much fewer LJ entries. By the time I sit down to write, everything I could say is just gone. My month in summary: Love Pete... saw Kickass and it was amazing... Hot Tub Time Machine was good... Been unbelievably broke all month long and I haven't even been spending a ton of money... Here's to hoping it's all just one bad financial month and it doesn't keep up this way! I just wish I could make all my bills disappear, that would be awesome. It would be nice to have more than 10 bucks in the bank just in case something happens and I need money, ya know? I wish I had some way to make a little extra sometime... outside of my job. Maybe when I start beauty school I will get tips or something. That would be pretty rad. I need to stop being so lazy and just get that damn application in. What's holding me back? I think I'm scared to do something completely different. Afraid to make such a big change in my daily life... afraid I won't be able to do it or handle it right. I need to drop this mentality and get with it.

But right now I need something to eat... I hope they went grocery shopping...
I'm feeling...: hopefulhopeful
Heather Jones
So yeah, things are pretty f-ing fabulous and super rad with Pete. I am very much in love with him! Yes, that's pretty fast, but it just feels right. This is not just the NRE talking, I swear! He is the most amazing boyfriend I could have hoped for and I have never felt as comfortable with a person as I do with him. He's adorable, incredible, smart, witty, sexy, dorky and geeky... and I know he feels the same way about me. I definitely feel lucky... There is no reacher and settler, only reachers. Full on adoration happening here. For all the times I have said I was broken - I am fully and completely healed, thank you very much! <3 <3 <3 But enough mushy stuff...

Outside of my bliss with Pete, I'm really stressed about money right now. I don't know how it snuck up on me like this... well yeah, I guess I do know when I look back at the grand scheme of things. I think I need to start budgeting stricter, especially at the bar. Maybe limit myself to one pitcher of beer per outing? It's barely Monday and I have already spent way too much of my paycheck that I got on Friday. But to be fair, some of that went to bills and setting aside rent money for my mom. A lot more of my money has been going towards gas too... I'm sure it doesn't help that I drive to Beaverton most nights to see Pete. :-/ As much as it kills me to say it, I know I need to maybe stay home a bit more. I am also neglecting other things that I know I need to do. Or maybe... maybe we can start meeting somewhere halfway to hang out? I don't care what we do as long as I get to see him (and not spend much money). This will be easier once the weather is more consistently nice because then we can just hang out in a park or on a playground and chill. I don't want to have to give up spending time with Pete... must find better ways to budget money! Perhaps I should start bringing lunches to work again... and really, I need to stop drinking so much. Limits, Heather, it's all about limits.

I love how when all the other pieces of my life come together so beautifully, there is always something major lurking in the shadows to bring me back to a stressful reality. *sarcasm*

Must get taxes done... and must not buy pretty things with it this year. Must pay off some bills.
Heather Jones
Life has taken an unexpected turn lately. All things good! I feel like I have a different guy to talk about in every post... but I think it's about to be the same one from now on. I met Pete about a month ago, and I didn't know it then but he is really amazing. We talked a bit online and then I went to hang out again at karaoke and since then we have been seeing a lot of each other. If we weren't both on Verizon, I would have one hell of a phone bill from all the texts we are sending! Seriously though, we talk all night online, start talking again in the morning, then text all day while I'm at work and then talk all night again online. It feels so good to connect like this... everything seems to fit perfectly! I do realize this could just be the NRE talking, but I have such a good feeling about this. I'm really excited to introduce him to my friends and I'm in great anticipation of future events with him. :-) Today/yesterday I woke up to an email with a mini powerpoint presentation he made to make me smile and to basically "ask me out." Complete with lolcats! It was so rad... sappy and fantastic. Apparently I inspire him to be creative, which is awesome! I am now in the process of finding a creative way to answer...

So life is good. In fact, it's pretty f-ing fantastic! It really is easy when you meet the right person! And look at me, I stayed out all night with him and I am still wide awake at 8 am. haha I really should try to sleep now though... I just really wanted to write this days overdue post first. :-P
I'm feeling...: lovedadored
Heather Jones
22 February 2010 @ 04:40 am
Sometimes late at night, I think it would be divine to just disappear for a while. I'm not stressed out and certainly not trying to hide for any reason... but retreating somewhere sounds great. If I could retreat from my own mind that would be even better. I would suffer from far less confusion! Most of said confusion comes from boys... Not that I'm confused from their side, just from my own. I live in a world where I know what I want, but I still don't know what I want. What I mean to say is that I know what sort of person I want, and the qualities I am looking for, but I don't really know if I want any of that right now. Maybe all I really need is to just shag a bunch of people. So far I seem to be doing a pretty good job! heh.

I could see reasons to date all three of my recent adventures, but there's still something holding me back. Maybe the problem is that I am missing the extra spark that attaches me to a person because I've known them all for so long. Meeting and connecting with someone new is one of the things that helps draw me in to the dating life. I can make out with or sleep with friends and have it not be weird (on my side of things anyway), but I can't just start a relationship with anybody. Maybe I used to be able to, but not anymore. At this point in my life I have had my share of nasty break-ups and terrible heartache and I'm done with that. I never want to feel as horrible as I felt with Nathan ever again. I experienced some of the worst days of my life because of him. Maybe that's the real reason why I'm so disconnected with wanting to be in a relationship. They can't hurt you if you aren't with them! No, that's not fully true... there was a small degree of hurt with the whole Chase thing... but I think that was more the feeling of rejection, or the feeling of losing something that could have had potential. I'm over that... very much so. I'd still bang him, though... if he wanted. :-P Nothing else. I have better prospects lurking about... like Matt, for instance. We started talking and getting to know each other recently. I like talking to him, I liked hanging out with him, I liked the feeling of getting closer to him... I like him. Not sure what to do or where to go beyond that... I want to continue getting to know him and try to hang out with him more. The hard part about that is the fact that he lives kinda far away. Who knows... only time will tell. What I do know is that I have taken on the characteristics of a girl with a crush and I smile when I get a text from him. Hmmm...

Conclusion: What I want... I want to toss out the perspective of a reacher and a settler. I think you can both be reachers. I want to be with someone that I can look at and think, "I win." And I want them to look at me and think the same thing. I want to think he is amazing and know that he thinks I am amazing. It'll happen... when I least expect it, I'm sure! But now it's time for bed.