January 22nd, 2018

Dr Who-Madness

And suddenly, a wild journal entry appears!

I will probably always come crawling back to LiveJournal at some point or another. Where else can I truly unload the immense number of weird, and probably fucked up things I think too much about? So… I guess it’s update time.

Life is really… blah. Remember when everyone thought 2016 was bad? Ha! Life in 2017 was definitely no better. Don’t get me wrong, the year had some good memories, some great ones even, but it left me with a lingering bad taste.

The good memories are the ones spent with close friends, creating better bonds with some other friends, making really good new friends… Drinking. Yeah I drink frequently, so what? I have fun with friends and often times there is alcohol. Do I need alcohol to have fun? No, but I like it, so deal with it. (I realize I’m really just talking to myself here so that tangent is probably moot.)

The bad memories? Ok, so there aren’t that many actual bad memories. It’s not so much that bad things happened this year, but more so that it gets increasingly difficult to not let the existential dread sink in. Oh how morose of me, right? I can’t help it though. The sum of the last two years keeps me feeling increasingly numb to everything. Deep inside I have a heart of ice that might never thaw. I’ve had the worst luck trying to date. Dating in your thirties is absolutely and completely awful! To put it simply, people suck. Men suck. Dating sucks. Of course it doesn’t help that every time I start to think maybe I am actually interested in a person, it takes a turn for the worse and then it’s all done and I’m on to the next one. They disappear. I disappear. One way or the other, take your pick! I have so many walls and barriers in place, no one stands a chance. I’m legitimately starting to fear that I may never feel anything again…

Enter Boy. (Screw names! What if they read this? They don’t need to know who they are.) He turned everything upside down for me and gave me the idea in my head that I wasn’t completely hopeless. But then there was me. I don’t know what to do or how to be when I like someone. I don’t make moves, I do nothing, I say nothing. I just want to spend time with them, be around them, and get to know them. If it’s right, it will all fall into place, yes? No, probably not. (What is wrong with me???) I mean, fuck… I have confidence for days and know full well that I am awesome, but… I also think I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’m too weird. I’m too quirky. I couldn’t possibly be their type. I’m too curvy and flawed. You name it, I think it. I’m rarely the target of anyone’s desires or affections. Sometimes people tell me I’m cute, or hot or what-have-you, and that’s nice. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything. I know I’m not. But there are far better choices than little ol’ me. I know I’m selling myself short, though. I know I’m better than that. I know I’m a catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me. I just don’t always believe it.

But I digress… So then there was Boy. I suddenly liked someone more than I had liked anyone in nearly a year and a half. I liked them as a friend, and I liked them as more than that. I knew quickly that I was fucked. In a way, I was dormant, like my clock needed winding, and suddenly someone turned the key and the second-hand started moving for the first time in what seemed like forever. I don’t want to mess this up. I want to be their friend just as much as I might want anything else. This was a new friendship that I realized was going to be very important to me. I will not fuck that up. Whatever my feelings turn into, I at no point want to jeopardize this friendship. There are certain people you meet in life that just sort of help complete your life puzzle, and this was one of those people. A kindred spirit, as it were. So my move is to not make a move.

Fast forward a little here, and we’ve gone on some random adventures and had a lot of fun along the way and I would never change that. Nothing has happened. I’m not pushing for anything to happen. I don’t want to cross that line because that could mess up a friendship that I value. After much deliberation with myself and Megan (who is always there to listen to me wine) I decide I just need to move past it. I can’t keep liking him so much and it’s time to move on. Friendship in tact. For a quick minute there I believed that I could accomplish this. But then he throws out some bait and reels me right back in. He gives me just a little bit more than he did before and I’m sunk. Fast forward again, I make the same decision. It’s time to stop. It’s time to move on. Oh, what’s that? Bait - hook - caught again! With just a little more than the last time, just enough to make me want it all again. It’s all becoming a vicious circle, really.

So clearly, I’m dealing with some things. Plus, I’ve been single for two years and have met an endless string of duds and assholes. It makes me feel rather defeated, to be honest. In any case, even if/when I meet someone worth my time, I’m going to fuck it up. I’ll get a little too neurotic, or I won’t put in enough effort, or maybe I won’t even realize that they are worthwhile or…. Well, you get the point. My walls are so firmly in place from all the pains of my past that it’s going to take a lot of effort for anyone to break those down. Maybe I’ll never love again, maybe I will. I want to be hopeful, but I’m just not. Hope was tossed out the window ages ago. Don’t worry though, I keep it tied to a string so I can pull it back in when I need it.

Long story short? I’m still very broken. Haven’t quite been able to put all of my pieces back together yet… but at least I have had some fun and made some good memories? Yeah, you know, when I am actually successful at keeping the aforementioned existential dread at bay. But it gets better, right? I mean, that’s what they say soooooo….. Yep. Believe it or not, this is just one aspect of how things suck right now.

Anyway, happy 2018. Please be better?