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29 October 2005 @ 02:11 am
You make me feel like I'm not enough  
I think I pissed Nathan off or something. He said to me in the car, "I love you a lot" and I just replied with "yeah, but not enough to go and find a job." He just turned the music back up and didn't say anything else. He barely said goodbye when he left the car. And ya know what? I don't feel bad about saying that. It's kind of frustrating that he just won't even try. I need to start telling him that if he doesn't work or put in applications Monday thru Friday, I just won't see him. He says that he doesn't want to stay with his parents for very long, but how does he expect himself to go anywhere else if he doesn't get off his ass and look for a fucking job. The only thing holding him back is himself. I am obviously not enough to motivate him, so why fucking bother? I can't drive him to places and watch him put in applications, I don't have time for that kind of stuff. The one time I did, he had to be such a baby about it that I actually filled some of his applications out for him. I am gonna have to completely cut him off if I am ever going to get even remotely close to motivating him. If he really cared about me, really loved me like he says he does, why the fuck can't he just do this?!? Sooner or later, I am going to get to that point where I'll just leave for good, and I don't want to have to do that. I just want him to try, that's all.
 
 
I'm feeling...: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
 
J.B.silverzodiac on October 29th, 2005 03:27 pm (UTC)
hey i'm sorry if you do have to go that far, maybe he will wake up and get up off his ass.

on a side note, you want to hang out when i come back for a few days? i don't have a car unfortunately so i'm pretty much gonna mooch off everyone. heh i'll probably even sleep at the old apt for a few nights. but ya i'll talk to you later.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 29th, 2005 06:43 pm (UTC)
I could take you to a couple of awesome bars if you were old enough... :-P man I love being 21...
Stacymeebeeleevcu on October 29th, 2005 08:42 pm (UTC)
How many times do I have to hear this before somthing finally clicks in his head? I honestly dn't see much change in the future heather if he has been like this since youve known him. The best indicator of who a person will be in the future is their behavior now. I feel sad that you feel like you need to actively motivate him. If he truly loved you i think he would have no problem wanting to try to take care of you and try to fill YOUR needs. And how many times do I have to tell you that your partner is not the only person in the relationship worth getting all the care and attention, it is a give take relationship. I know you know this and you've seen it in a lot of your relationships. Do somthing about it Heather, instead of waiting and waiting and waiting and talking about what you are going to do.
Nathannatetheoriginal on October 30th, 2005 01:02 pm (UTC)
If I really loved her... like you are some expert on love and what it really means to love somebody... You have no idea the emotional support and careing I show this person. You don't see us together. Heck I don't even know who you are. All you have is this thing she's complaing about right now...
Nathannatetheoriginal on October 30th, 2005 01:31 pm (UTC)
nevermind. You are Stacy. And you have seen us together three or four times. And you're loyalties lie to your friend not to me... Just maybe next time you shouldn't base all your judgments on Heather's judgemtents before you know the whole situation and what's going on...

I realize you are looking out for her. And trust me so am I. Just obvously not enough.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 31st, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC)
That's Stacy actually... so you do know her.
zombies_with_gunsjvond4915 on October 30th, 2005 02:54 am (UTC)
Hmmm....
Yeah, that's sad...it doesn't really sound like he's willing to work...I sure hope he wakes up...so he isn't a bum the rest of his life...'cause he honestly isn't that bad a guy...
Nathannatetheoriginal on October 30th, 2005 12:46 pm (UTC)
Can I say something...
YEAH I DO TRY. I'm probably trying harder than you did when you got your job at Fred Myer. You make it sound like I am doing nothing at all, that I make no effort whatsoever to get a job and that's just not true. I am not the most outgoing person and it shows, people don't give me the kind of jobs I want because I'm to fucking shy or nervous in the interviews.

God damn... Your right though. I'm not going to sit here and feed you a bunch of bullshit about my personality and just having bad luck. YOU'RE RIGHT I AM LAZY. And it's a really hard habbit to break. And I do need to put in more effort. But at least see that I am putting in some effort. Maybe by your standards I it's pathetic amount, but I am actually trying harder than i ever have to get a job right now.

Becuase I hate living under my parents roof. Because I wanna be with you.

I KNOW OK I NEED TO TRY MORE. AND I FUCKING WILL, AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING HARDER RECENTLY BUT YOU DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE. YOU JUS KEEP GIVING ME SHIT, AND I'M NOT ENTIERLY SURE I DESERVE IT.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 31st, 2005 10:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Can I say something...
Ok, maybe I didn't try hard to get my job at Fred Meyer, I was lucky... I had that basically handed to me on a platter (I did have to do an interview and stuff though...), but that isn't the point here. I've had my own experienced with job hunting prior to this, I'm no different than everyone else who has. but whatever...

And I know that you've gone out putting in apps ONE TIME that you have told me. (if there is more, then I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT) Then you blew it off how many days in a row? I'm sorry, but that irritated me, afte we had talked about a new rule where you put in apps if you don't go in to work. But I don't know if you understand just why that irritates me. I wasn't giving you much shit until you broke the rule for several days in a row.
Nathannatetheoriginal on October 30th, 2005 01:25 pm (UTC)
Maybe I don't satisfy all your needs... maybe I'm not the most finacially supportive person...

DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU?

Really.

You know Heather, I only try to make you life better. I know I have slighly limited resources right now to do that. But seriously think to yourself, does my unemployment really limit your happiness that much? Besides not having MONEY, what have I done to that's bad. How have I hurt you or made your life worse?

I love you damn it. What the fuck else do you want me to say or do to prove it to you... oh that's right, get a job.

WELL you know what. Maybe I need you to tell me you love me. Maybe you can prove it to me too. By being a little nicer to me... I am nice to you, or at least I try really hard, and I think I do a pretty good job.

Hey if you can't be a little nicer to me, and love me for who I am, while I am an unemployed loser. Than maybe we have a little more of a problem... Maybe it's not me you need just somebody who's going to finachially support you and marry you some day. I hope you actually love me and want me and not some version of myself that fixes all these problems I have. Becuase if I have to fix myself, fundementally change to be the person you want, this isn't going to work.

...but I want it to work so bad. Because I love you. Becuase I think we go good together. Becuase most of the time we have fun together and keep each other entertained. Becuase most of time we work... At least that's what i think.

so basiclly, I need to show you more effort getting a job. And maybe you can be a little nicer and more affectionate...

Becuase obviously we both have a problem with what's going on in our relationship. It kind of sucks that we have to get into it on live journal. But at least we're attacking the issue this way. I wish I could say what I just said in person, but I don't collect my thoughts that quick in person, and you probably don't either.
honey_13 on October 30th, 2005 09:21 pm (UTC)
I realize it's none of my business to get into your relationship woes on LiveJournal and to post my opinion. And I do realize this is Heather's Journal, and I apologize ahead of time to Heather for posting this through her journal. I only mean the best for you two, you both are wonderful people and are fantastic together.
But I just wanted Nathan to know that I really know how he is feeling and what he is going through.
Nathan-
It took me, oh gosh, at least a year or so to get the job I got now. All the while I was here living with Frank, and according to some, "mooching" off of him. But during this time I did NOT love him any less. I was deeply in love with him at the time. Our whole issue had NOTHING to do with my love for him, as your issues now have NOTHING to do with your love for Heather. Frank was upset with me at times and tried to "motivate" me to go out and apply numerous numerous times. But it was soooo hard to get going. Laziness is an extremely hard habit to break. I was lazy, afraid, and un-confidant in my abilities. I was afraid of saying stupid things in the interviews and failing to get the job, and then end up "failing" Frank somehow. I was so un-confidant in myself, that I thought that any job I did get I didn't deserve. I was feeling all the same feelings you are having right now. Please know that Heather is only trying to help you. You may be having feelings of rejection and anger towards her at the moment (I had the same about Frank) but she truly loves you and is trying to help.
Nathan, You have the ability to do great things and I know you know that. This rut is just too hard to get out of, and if you ever EVER need anyone to talk to, please please give me a call or stop on by.

-KIM
anaverinanaverin on October 31st, 2005 01:34 am (UTC)
wow, kim writing this post right now, so is so right, andholy crap... i mean if nathan had a decent job he enjoyed i dont think any of us would think that he wouldnt keep it, so... ya.

I really admire kim for standing up and saying something here.
Nathannatetheoriginal on October 31st, 2005 04:00 am (UTC)
Wow. thank you. like you said I'm not sure I deserve your support. But thanks anyway. I will stop by sometime.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on November 2nd, 2005 10:02 pm (UTC)
I am just trying to help him, that's basically it.

And Nathan and I have talked about living together at some point, but I can't do that if he doesn't have a job to make his part of the rent and the bills. I don't see a future with a person who will not fulfill his half of everything. I would like to have a future with Nathan, that's why I want him to try a little harder. I'm not asking him to change, like he stated in his comment. He doesn't have to change who he is, that was never part of this situation. He just needs to stop slacking off and try, that is in no way a change of his personality, it's just taking up responsibility. I understand how hard it is to just stop being lazy, I am lazy too, but I know that when I have to do something, I just have to do it and that's that. I thought Nathan was getting back on his feet, he was going in to the roofing job everyday and taking responsibilty, but he backlashed. He started missing work randomly, and it became more and more frequent. That's where the idea of him having to apply to at least 5 places for each day he just doesn't go in to the roofing job, but then he just stopped doing that. That is where all of this spawned from. I don't want to see him hit rock bottom. I dont' want to see him homeless again. You're right when you said that I am just trying to help. This is how I am showing that I care, by trying to motivate him and help him out.

This was a delayed response, but I needed to say it...
honey_13 on November 3rd, 2005 01:19 am (UTC)
Well said Heather.
I agree with you completely.
And I just want you to know that regarding my previous post....in no way did I mean to insult you or the way you are handling the situation.
This response you just gave to me, fully affirms my belief that you are just looking out for the best for him and trying to help; and in my opinion, that is one of the best and most sincere ways to show love to another person.
*hugs*
-KIM
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 31st, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
bullshit
You actually think that I am not affectionate?
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on November 2nd, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC)
This isn't about "fixing" yourself. You've missed the point entirely if you think that. You don't have to "fundamentally change" who you are, I never said "hey, be a totally different person!" Never. I have never asked that of you, and you know that. So please don't falsely accuse me of bullshit like that.

And you never answered me... do you actually think that I am not affectionate? You don't know what it's like then do you... to have your partner show no affection towards you. I've been through that... and you're blind if you think I'm not affectionate. But if you really think that, then I guess I could show you what that actually means.
Nathannatetheoriginal on November 3rd, 2005 11:09 am (UTC)
Yes your right. Yes you are great to me.

I know you love me a lot, and you show it.

And I know you are trying to help.

There's just a lot of preassure on me to do something for myself, and sometimes I just can't take the pressure. I'm just too much of a pussy.

Believe me, I love you, and if there was anybody on earth who I would "fundementally" change for it would probably be you.

You don't ask too much.

I do too little. But I do try. Just not enough. I'm working on it, but there's a lot too work on, I really have to change myself a little bit to get out of this rut I've dug.

Nothing you've done is wrong. You had a right to be a little angry with me. But it hurts me a lot when you are angry with me, and threaten me like you are doing now.

Don't threaten me unless you mean it. And if you do mean it, you better watch out because I won't take it for too long.

I have a breaking point, just like you.
Nathannatetheoriginal on November 3rd, 2005 11:14 am (UTC)
P.S. Yeah I know what it's like to not have affection, or at least real intamcy.

Jen would have sex with me, but that was about it, she never initiated contact with me. She barley ever touched me, even when we did have sex.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on November 4th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
I went through a time period of well over a month with my last boyfriend where he would not touch me, we weren't having sex, and we barely even talked. All I could think that whole time was "what the hell is wrong with me? Why is he suddenly so repulsed by me?" I basically went to his place just to be miserable and hate myself, hoping that he would at least try and touch me, even just on the arm or shoulder while talking. There was nothing.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on November 4th, 2005 03:22 am (UTC)
You won't take it for too long. hmm.... shouldn't I be saying the same thing? Isn't that exactly what I have said? You are nowhere near what I have done for over six months now. You've had it easy. I pay for 95 percent of our eating out, going to movies... I've driven you around a lot even when I really didn't want to... If you are really that close to your breaking point, then what the hell did I do that was so wrong to push you there except buy you food all the time, try to ensure that you had a place to sleep, pay for your leisure activities (how many movies and concerts have I paid for now??)... etc.? I know these acts of kindness I have shown have not gone un-noticed, you've told me that I am great to you.... but when will this be an equal relationship? Is that so much for me to ask? That we both pay for these things, that sometimes you can treat me to dinner and a movie or take me out for a change? Now who would actually be closer to a breaking point? I love you, and you know that, but I really don't think this is too much to ask for considering how much I have done for you.
Nathannatetheoriginal on November 4th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC)
You know if it's that big of deal then don't buy anything for me anymore. I'll get by.

That kind of stuff means nothing to me compared with how we actually get along and being treated with respect.

I don't care if you buy shit for me, just be nice to me. That's more important.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on November 4th, 2005 09:11 pm (UTC)
Ya know what, this is all bullshit. Every person I have ever dated is so ungrateful that they can't even see when I'm being nice. All I do is give give give and I never get anything. No, that's not true, I do get told that I am a mean and nasty bitch for all the nice things I do. Everyone just thinks I am this horrible person when all I am is nice to people. I have been taken advantage of by every one of my friends (with the exception of stacy or keith). I always give my friends rides when they ask, I am always the one paying for things, I buy friends food too and not just you.... I do so much for everyone and nobody ever acknowledges it or tries to do anything nice for me. I don't think I believe in karma, because if it were real, I would get something out of this, but I get nothing. Why do I even bother being nice to people, if they can't be nice to me?

But whatever, I guess I'm just doomed to being a mean and nasty bitch. I'm never nice to people, I don't know how to be nice to people. All I ever do is be mean. I never help people out or do good things for them. No, I don't do any of this.

Whatever. It's not like anybody cares about me or how I feel. It's not like anybody ever has. I am just not important enough. I don't get respect either.