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15 May 2008 @ 11:50 am
Last night was crazy! Open mic, followed by longboarding and razor scooter-ing (?) all over downtown Vancouver and along the water front. There weren't enough long boards for everyone, so Simon grabbed his razor scooters. It was a lot of fun, to say the least. When we were all tired and hungry, we managed to convince Megan and Nathan to pick us up and go to Taco Bell. Then we passed out on the couch at Alex's... and when we woke up, Nathan was being extra moody and seriously snapped at Alex then stormed out slamming the door hard and drove away. That was confusing... I didn't even say anything so I couldn't have pissed him off... and I didn't think anything Alex did could have warranted such a reaction. Whatever. Outbursts like that are part of why I'm unhappy with him. I don't want to be afraid of what he is going to say or do or how he is going to react, even when he isn't being provoked. He just makes me feel so shitty sometimes... he is the only one with that power and he somehow just abuses the fuck out of it.
I'm feeling...: crappycrappy
(Deleted comment)
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on May 16th, 2008 01:27 am (UTC)
You don't get it... who you were mad at was not the point.
Nathannatetheoriginal on May 17th, 2008 04:00 am (UTC)
My final word on what happened that morning

OK, so here's what I do get.

You saw me overreact and it brought back all the issues you have with me. And you want me to be more apologetic and sincerely remorseful because it's exactly the sort of behaviour that is stopping you from letting yourself truly love me and commit to me.

OK, so here's what you don't get.

I do not react very well when I'm woken up unexpectedly from already uncomfortably staggered sleep. In fact my filter that provides me self control and restraint does not exist during those circumstances. I know I overreacted, I know it was wrong, but you think that it was completely inexcusable and that is where we disagree. I do think that given circumstances my behaviour is at the very least partially excusable. I also know myself well enough to know, I would have a very similar instinctive response if put in that situation again. I could apologize that I am this way in the morning but it's not going to change anything, and why should I apologize for who I am?

You've said yourself that things have been pleasant lately. Partially because I have been trying not to overreact or freak out so much. In fact the last time I really freaked out was when I found out that you kissed Chris while we were still going out, and that was understandably so. I feel like you're not giving me enough credit for how I do take into account how my behaviour affects you and that I have been trying to have more self control. And me slamming a door because I'm frustrated, cranky, and being kept awake when I should be sleeping, should not overshadow the fact that I am trying to have more self control when I am upset and that I am going to continue to do so.

And that's exactly what I feel you're doing, you're letting this one incident overshadow what I am working so hard to give you. And I don't deserve to have this held over my head the way you are. I deserve more credit and respect than you're giving me.

...and that's all I have to say about this. I am not talking about this anymore. I expect you to make up you're own mind and think whatever you want but I am done defending myself and explaining myself about this. If you want to let this continue to affect your decision about being with me then you go right ahead, I can't stop you.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on May 17th, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
Re: My final word on what happened that morning
It's not apologizing for who you are, it's apologizing for being really mean... regardless of the lack of filter in the morning, you shouldn't think you can just do stuff like that without some consequence. Somebody is going to feel hurt by it, and that is why you should be apologetic. But I guess i should know better by now that you are rarely sorry.