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28 October 2009 @ 12:20 pm
Time for a thoughts and feelings post...  
So as we all know now, I broke up with Jordan. Every time people ask why, I can't really give them a good answer. I just needed to. I did way too much hopping from one boyfriend to the next to the next. I need to just be single and alone for a while. No relationships for me, not now. A lot of you may not understand this, but I do. At first I wasn't so sure I had made the right decision and it did hit me hard, but now I think I'm on the right path. I had some issues with Jordan that I just couldn't really talk about. It wasn't the he annoyed me, but more that I was drowning in his problems. I know I need someone who is independent and has a life outside of me. I think we are really in different places and I'm not sure if this would be different if we weren't.

Now, the topic of friends. I have made many a new and awesome friend lately. And I have also felt more detached from close friends. More specifically Jen... :-/ I'm not quite sure what to say about it, but I guess I expected a more supportive reaction from her. I know she was sick and all, but damn. At least Keith asked me how I was and if I was ok. Not that I'm comparing her to Keith... but you know, I decided to tell Jen that I went on a date and was met with criticism. Ok, so I went on a date. I'm allowed to date! I said no relationships, but dates are fine. And I had a great time. (This was, by no means, the reason behind the break-up, I can assure you this. This all started ocurring post-break.) I thought I might share my good time with Jen, since she has met this guy before, but all she could really say was that she didn't think he was my type. First of all, I don't have much of a "type," and second of all, if I did have a type it would geeks. Anyways! The way I was just brushed off really struck a cord, and then I get this mini-speach about how she "doesn't get it." She says, "I'm a relationship girl, always have been. I guess I don't understand." So what!? Maybe that's what you are, but that doesn't mean that everyone else is, or that everyone else has to be just like you. It's good to have diversity amongst friends! So you liked Jordan, everyone did, especially my mom. Lord, the look my mom gave me when she found out... another story! I'm glad that you want to maintain a friendship with Jordan, but don't forget about your friendship with me. Maybe you don't understand my reasons, but you could at least support my decision and be happy for me. This is the first time in a long time that I made a break-up decision that wasn't based on me wanting to step right into something new or because I had been hurt terribly by the guy. This is my real time to heal, and I need it. I really need it. If you can't handle that, then GTFO mon ami.

And now Jordan, again. Things have been weird (naturally), but I know he'll be ok eventually. I'm glad to see that he is actually getting out and making friends. I am leaving all decisions of whether or not to see me or hang out with me up to him. Sometimes he wants to and things seem fine enough, but then it turns the other way. I can handle that, I can. What I can't and do not want to handle are angry comments and desperation. Take saturday night as a starter. He texts me asking if I was going to be at Out-a-bounds, I tell him I have other plans. He was invited out by Jen and went with her and Kate and Kaya. I received no such invite, so why would I be there? Monday Jordan texts me in a mood. Starts complaining about how we don't hang out... but hello, you haven't asked me to hang out! This turned into a "Why do I bother, it's not going to make a difference." I understand he might be angry with me, but I just don't want to hear it. I don't want the criticism. I feel bad enough that I hurt someone, I don't need you to make me feel worse. Any of you. And if you give me crap about how I'm "busy" you can just shove it. Guess what, I AM BUSY. I make plans and I get booked up. If you don't get in there before that happens, you're out of luck.

Lastly, my harem. This is the weird part about being single. Once I'm single, people want me, and they let me know this. It's kind of unsettling sometimes. Especially when it's an ex from 5 years ago saying that I'm the one thing he regrets doing wrong. Or the other ex just wanting to have some fun. This does not include all the random people who suddenly have confidence to try and touch my leg or what have you. I'm all for flirting, but damn. It's a little overwhelming. I'm not sure if it's because of some phobia about being touched by people I don't know, or if it's just because I don't quite understand why they want me. It sounds strange coming from me, since I seem so confidant all the time, but I'm more insecure than people think. I know I'm awesome and all, but I don't always understand why people like me beyond that. Does that make sense? Sometimes I understand it, other times I just don't.

Meh... I need to get up and get dressed so I can carve my pumpkins before going out tonight. Until next post, same Heather time, same Heather channel!
I'm feeling...: determineddetermined
thenextaudrey on October 29th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
Well, before you get all booked up for halloween chicky, our address is 9200 SW Oak St Tigard OR 97223. Festivities start round 9. Invite whoever you like. :)
Jen Bushsuperfrau on October 29th, 2009 04:26 am (UTC)
Well, where should I start off?

First off, the Jordan issue... You didn't talk to me about breaking up with him to begin with, so I figured you were ok with it. The first thing I hear from you after this break up is how you went on a date. While, from Jordan I'm hearing how he doesn't understand why you broke up with him, and how hurt he was. I'm sorry, but hearing that you went out on a date with some guy less than a week after you dumped him bothered me. It seemed insensitive and disrespectful to someone I consider a friend.

Also, I "brushed it off" because let's face it... I don't care about some dude you hang out with that I don't know. I met Chase maybe once or twice. That makes him an acquintance, not a friend, or someone I know very well at all. Hell, the only thing I can really remember about him is at a party, he tackled me, picked me up, and started running around with me flung over his shoulder when I was drunk. I almost puked on his shirt. Everything else I know about him, I know through Mike.

I don't care about guys that are going to pass fleetingly into and out of your life. I have my own friends, and my own life. I care about you, but that care doesn't extend to wanting to know every guy who tries to grab your leg, or whatever. Do you know why they want you? Its cause 90% of them, at least, want what every red-blooded straight guy wants... they want to get laid. Most guys, don't give a damn about your dreams, or your feelings, or anything but what they think will get them what they want. If you say you don't want a relationship to most guys, it means to them you just want to have sex. And if that's what you want, go get it. I'm not judging you or them, or anyone else. I wasn't above having a friend with benefits, and I've got no room to throw stones in this glass house. But, I think on some level you want more than that. You say you want to really love someone again. That means you want someone who will care about you, who will love you back, who will value and validate you. But, you can't expect that from someone if you can't do the same back.

As to OB... Well, it wasn't just me, Jordan, Kaya, and Kate. Leslie and Dan invited me out. I invited Jordan and Kate because they were bored and didn't have anything else to do. I figured Leslie may have invited you, since she invited me. Kaya just came along with Kate. Jordan didn't know that Leslie had done the invites to begin with, and didn't know if you were invited. Jordan thought you didn't want to see him since he wasn't invited along to see Zombieland... and he thought you'd taken some other guy since he wasn't "allowed" to go, which is what he told me.

(Deleted comment)
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 29th, 2009 11:28 am (UTC)
Thank you! This makes a lot of sense and I wish more people got that.

Also, yeah, Chase is pretty awesome!
Heather Jones: eyezerocoolphreak on October 29th, 2009 11:59 am (UTC)
Why all this special treatment for Jordan and not for Nathan, who you also considered your friend? I was on to the next guy before I broke up with Nathan, I consider that a lot worse than me breaking up with someone and then meeting someone and going on a date.

And DO NOT give me shit about me talking to you about "every guy who grabs my leg" because guess what, I haven't talked to YOU about that. It was a lesser fact in the journal entry that was in no way directed to you. And I made mention that it was unsettling, meaning I wasn't exactly looking for that. Do not pretend that you know how I feel right now because you don't. Maybe if you had actually tried to talk to me you might have some understanding.

Now I figured maybe you would also understand that what one person says (aka Jordan) does not always match up with what actually happened. Don't assume you know everything! Jordan had already seen Zombieland TWICE and I just didn't feel up to seeing him. WHAT THE HELL WAS SO WRONG WITH THAT? The night before I had come home from hanging out with Jake and him talking about where me and him went wrong 5 years ago and I was upset and crying. That was when I made my Dear Somebody post and my depressing FB status. So yeah, I just REALLY didn't feel up to seeing Jordan. I told him this, and he said he understood. I saw the movie with Alex and John and Kaya. Kaya came AS A FRIEND because I had been talking to him via text prior to that. OMGWTFBBQ I must have done something so terribly wrong!

And OB, I was never mad or upset that no one invited me. I had other plans that night. What I did not like was Jordan's assumption that I simply must be there when there was no invite. This followed in him getting butthurt about me not hanging out with him. Following that I asked him if he wanted to hang out and help me carve pumpkins but he said he didn't want to and "what's the point." I tried, k?

Whatever... since you "just don't care," you can stay the hell out of it. Sorry, but I really don't need the crap right now. Don't expect me to listen or care the next time you have something good or bad going on in your life. I guess there was good reason in my not talking to you about how things were with Jordan or about what I need for me. Do me a favor though and STOP ASSUMING.
Jen Bushsuperfrau on October 29th, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
Whatever. Have a nice life.
Heather Jones: frankie say relaxzerocoolphreak on October 29th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
By the way, I talked to Jordan today... you are full of shit. Stop trash-talking me behind my back. At least Jordan is enough of a friend to care and give me a call to see if I'm ok.

I am upset and angry and confused and you are brushing me off like I haven't been your "best friend" for years. Thanks and good fucking riddance.
candice-annettecandiceannette on October 30th, 2009 02:42 am (UTC)
wow-- what the hell?! fuck that person. you will be fine heather. hope you're okay.
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 30th, 2009 02:57 am (UTC)
Thank you Candy! I'm alright... just surprised and confused. Heading out to Shanahans to meet Brian O! Come?
candice-annettecandiceannette on October 30th, 2009 03:05 am (UTC)
i would, but i have swine flu. have fun & hug that fool for me.. then make him hug you for me, as well!!
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 30th, 2009 08:00 am (UTC)
OMG really? You actually have swine flu???
Salvatoreogregasm on October 30th, 2009 04:23 pm (UTC)
Heather. I drank too much last night and swallowed a plastic straw. I am, however, watching Ren and Stimpy and could now care less about the straw. Thanks for being my drinking buddy! We'll have to go out again. Maybe bring a dude who plays poker so my girlfriend will have someone to talk to. HAH! :)
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 30th, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
Ren & Stimpy, fuck yeah! haha well if you aren't too hungover, I'm going to a Halloween party tonight with the nerd folk. Supposedly I can bring whoever... if yer interested.
Salvatoreogregasm on October 31st, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Dammit. I should have checked LJ last night and I would have seen this. I was soooo bored, too. Hope you had fun!
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 31st, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, it was pretty awesome. There was a trampoline in the back year! Haha drunken jumping... I'm surprised I didn't vomit. In any case, I think jello shots are now my enemy.
thenextaudrey on October 30th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
Seriously, you should totally come to the Oak St House Halloween Bash!
It will be good times galore.

also, gonna toss in my two cents here-
"not wanting a relationship" because you feel you're not ready for one is fine. It's good. It's healthy and mature to recognize that you're not in a good place emotionally to embark on that journey with someone.
"dating" is not defined as going out and having sex with random people.
Any guy that assumes a date means either
A: we're in a relationship now
B: i'm entitled to sex

is probably not worth going on a second date with.

personally, I've had a great time in the past going out, hanging out, having fun, sometimes kissing on, sometimes not dates with guys.
They weren't ready for a gf, i wasn't ready for a bf, and we had an understanding that we were just going to have fun. Dating can be a blast.

Anyhow, that's my thoughts.

I'm sorry your world is in so much turmoil right now.

It'll pass.

In the meantime, you should come and have a good time at our party! :)

(did i mention i'm making jello shots?-FOUR FLAVORS??!! :) )

I hope you come.
I miss you and ur crazy self.
(yes, yes, I realize the irony since I am the craziest person you know! )
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 30th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Halloween
I completely agree, which is why I made the decisions I made. I'm glad some people really understand this.

Also, yes I think my plan for Halloween is to migrate from party to party and make your the last stop. Best for last, right?? So I might get there semi-late, but I do really want to come. I'm hoping to have a couple people in tow, possibly Alex, most likely Derick and maybe this guy Chase that I have had a couple dates with. We shall see!
thenextaudrey on October 30th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Halloween
Cool Cool, the more the merrier!

Do you have the address and all that?
Heather Joneszerocoolphreak on October 31st, 2009 12:21 am (UTC)
Re: Halloween
Ummm yes, I believe I do.
thenextaudrey on October 31st, 2009 05:51 am (UTC)
Re: Halloween
anaverinanaverin on November 3rd, 2009 05:46 am (UTC)
Re: Halloween
lol, you couldn't even keep it together til 100 am... so we missed you. And I pushed everyone to get out there! pa sha!